Greetings from the Dodge travel annals of bloggery. As it may or may not be known, daily blogging on a cruise ship is a rich man’s game. The price of the internet usage on board are enough to make you choke on your MaiTai. Thus, I have been blogging every night, nearly every night, but not posting onto the website. But now, I am posting everything at once and sprinkling pics in for you... So here we go...this entire entry is in chronological order...let’s go back to our first day out at sea, a bloggo flashback back ack ck k...
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I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO BEAT YOU BUT I CAN MAKE YOU CRY!
As I type this the Atlantic Ocean rolls underneath our ship, the Carnival Valor. We boarded her yesterday in Miami, and have spent a day at sea. Frankly, sitting on our balcony deck late at night under the stars with the ocean rushing by us and the ship rocking gently every now and then is simply my favorite part. When the kids go to sleep and all is quiet inside the room I come out here and just stare out into the darkness. I smell the ocean and hear the spray and see very little on the horizon if anything at all. And it makes me feel all right.
This ship is much larger than the ship we took to Alaska- the Carnival Spirit. And I guess with it being Spring Break time it brings out more people. There are significantly fewer of the octogenarian persuasion on board. But plenty more tattoos. My favorite was this man with a trach and a bucket of Bud Lights who had a full back tattoo of two female horses rearing up at each other for a horse fight. How’d I know they were females? Because they had very obvious, very swollen-like female horse business goin’ on. Oh yeah, where we goin’? The Western Caribbean.
Today I took the girls swimming at what I think was the height of “sun” time, because every living soul on the ship was outside and in that pool. In Miami, I heard a mother seething with anger, growl at her child, “I may not be able to beat you, but I can make you cry!” In that pool, I knew exactly where she was coming from. The water was churning like a fish hatchery, and I felt like I was in a very personally tailored version of hell. Charlie, to her credit, was far more social than me, and quickly found acquaintances she made merely yesterday to splash around with. I was bobbing around in the water with my lips tightened together. Chase had a good ‘ole time swimming with me, and when it was time to go- she offered her best arguments and objections, in only a style she could provide. Let’s just say I think the nuclear option was on the table but not used, only because she elected not to use it.
Tomorrow, we make our first stop, The Grand Cayman. This stop is the most significant to Tiffany and me because it was the port o’ call of our honeymoon, and we hope to share many of the fun parts of the island with the girls. There is no hard dock at the island, so the ship anchors as close as it can and water taxis take everyone to shore, load after load. One memory I have on our honeymoon while we were snorkeling, though, was seeing the hordes of invaders coming off the cruise ships to the island, and feeling quite disgusted. Looks like the flip flop is on the other foot tomorrow.
On a toothy note...Chase lost her first tooth in international waters! It has been loose for about a week, and when presented with the possibility of it being lost forever during a snorkeling expedition, on the beautiful balcony overlooking the beautiful ocean, Chase gave that loose tooth one big brave twist. Like a commando having to close a wound using nothing but gunpowder from a dismantled bullet, Chase calmly handled the situation. Tooth out.
RED TAPE? TRY RED BODIES.
The Dodge four is the personification of the song “Rock Lobster” as the four of us recover from a day at the Grand Cayman.
Up we were at the break of dawn, onto a water shuttle transporting us from ship to shore. It didn’t feel as obnoxious as I’m sure it looked. Bam, within two hours we were on a boat coursing through emerald waters to Sting Ray City. The wifey and I have done this before but now with the kids it seemed twenty times cooler. We jumped in waist high water as a guide wrastled a sting ray into his arms and we all pet and some of us kissed her.
(Female Sting Rays are the large ones, we were told.) Both girls were quite apprehensive about swimming with these notoriously cold blooded creatures, but after some watery snuggling, they were won over. Sting Ray City was over too soon, but we were on our way to some quick snorkeling and then Rum Point. As we all climbed up onto the boat the captain yelled, “WHO’S READY FOR SNORKELING?!” We all yelled, “WE ARE!” He fired up the boat. He put it in full throttle. The engine roared with everything it had. And two hundred yards later, we were at the snorkeling spot. We quite literally could have swam over there and saved the fuel. But no harm, no foul.
This was Chasie’s first time snorkeling, and I bet if you’d ask her she would have given the experience about a C. Something about the enclosed space on the face and then the very clear visual of the tropical deep weirded her out. She wasn’t keen on it. But what the two girls did love was riding on the nose of the boat. That is why we are all burned, for the most part.
Once we got to Rum Point we lunched and I enjoyed a Rum Punch Sunset. Tiffany and I enjoyed one when we were here for our honeymoon and hmmm, the magic is still in that cup!
On our way back the “captain” of the boat thought he spotted a shark, so he jerked the boat in a circle and yelled “SHAAAARK!!!!’ Now, Charlie, Chase, and I had our feet dangling down at the stern of the boat. The moment that was yelled their feet immediately yanked up into safety. It turned out to be a sea turtle, but both Tiffany and I realized that those two girls know how to survive.
Tomorrow we hit Honduras. No idea what we’re in for, other than more beach fun. What will my skin feel like after tomorrow? My bet is it will feel more like the “Secret Recipe, and not the Honey BBQ.
EVER PET A SHARK? WELL, CHASE JUST DID
So yesterday we hit Roatan, Honduras. Everything about that port of call felt fake. There you have an incredibly impoverished area and all the tourist stops are owned by foreign companies- yet to get to those destinations, one has to travel through severely impoverished areas. We booked a stay at the private beach called “BANANARAMA.” We quickly realized this beach was not as private as we presumed it would be. The beach was jam packed and there were peddlers selling everything from massages to watches to conch shells. They walked up and down the beach all day long. The heat was completely suppressive and the only refuge from peddler and the suppressive sun was the water. The water was completely beautiful and purifying and the girls spent every available second in it. But other than the water, Honduras was completely depressing. So much poverty. And it is so evident that the tourism money isn’t truly seeping into where the public needs it most. But Chase did get to hold two monkeys. One bit her, but didn’t break skin. I didn’t know about it until after we were walking away from the photo opportunity. The sun was shining on my iphone and I couldn’t see the photo I had just taken. But as we were walking away Chase told me the monkey bit her. After making sure she wasn’t bleeding I asked her why she didn’t tell me when it happened. I asked her, “Why didn’t you yell or flinch or do anything. As cool as ice Chase said, “I didn’t want to freak the monkey out.” Here is photo evidence of the crime as it happened. Guilty Naughty South American Monkey.
But Today we tackled Belize. We snorkeled and swam with sharks. By now, Charlie is a seasoned snorkeler, and she was bopping around under water without waiting for us. Chase, on the other hand, seemed quite apprehensive, especially when an eel came up from the reef to say hello. That seemed to worry her in an impressive manner. But by the time we got to the Stingrays and Sharks, Chase seemed to be having fun. At one point one of the snorkeling guides hefted a three foot long nurse shark right up to Chase to let her pet it. In a word: RAD.
The remarkable thing about Belize is that all around the ocean there are mangrove trees and little acre-sized plots of island that have fishing huts on them. How amazing it must be to stay on one of those micro civilizations for a spell. How gorgeous the stars must be at night.
I bought two Cuban cigars in Belize and the first one was a serious disappointment. Simply put, it had the aftertaste of dirt. Let’s hope the Cohiba Habana Robusto is better.
DAMN.
So now I’m sitting in a clean but corporately sterile Westin in Fort Lauderdale. I’m a preemie ripped too soon from the warm womb of vacation and I feel pretty fucking irritated about it all, to be frank with you. Vacation is over and tomorrow we come back home.
Belize it or not, I’ve just been too pooped to write since our time in Belize. But the next day we hit Cozumel. By the time we stepped off the boat in Cozumel, I’ve caught on to the fact that nearly every port has a portion of it prefabbed by the cruise companies and catered directly at Midwestern alcoholics. Margaritaville, Fat Tuesdays, Three Amigos, Senor Frogs, Carlos and Charlie’s... all places where people just buy cheap buckets of the cheapest brands of American Beer, grind to American Songs, and then stumble into some American owned gift shops to buy T-Shirts that say pointless witticisms like, “Cozumel...All the Therapy I Need.” What? WHHHAAT? Heh.
Once we docked at Cozumel we took a ferry and an hour bus ride to the Mayan Ruins in Tulum. Really damn cool. Our tour guide is Mayan himself, and was very effective in sharing with us some pretty incredible facts about the Mayan culture and it’s mysteries and histories. Google them. Very worthwhile to know. But the heat was intense, and the beach just below the ruins was microscopic. So after some quicks snapshots of the girls frolicking in the surf and sand we headed up and out to the only place to grab a margarita and some fresh tacos- a joint called Mr. Frostees. Great name, if you ask me, to have when you know all of your clients will be overheated and thirsty. Mr. Frostees was owned by this Mexican guy who hand made a habanero salsa he simply called “AYEYAYAYE.” Fucking great. Watching Tiffany order it was great. And lemme tell you, that salsa...has earned the right to use that name. Scrumptious and dangerous all in one bite!
Traveling back from Tulum, I noticed the highway we were travelling on was simply one resort after another. For miles. Simply amazing.
The next day, was a full day at sea, where Tiffany and I tried to cram in as much ocean staring time from our balcony as we could- and and girls both tried to get in as much pool and pal time in as they could as well.
And that leads me to today. I have to admit, I seriously felt my heart ache a little today when I had to leave the ship. I’m of half the mind that Carnival pumps something through the air vents or carries subliminal messages in their music that makes you feel this damned sad to leave their boat. And I’m not a “cruiser” okay?! I don’t do the dance parties and I don’t fight the buffet lines just because they have crabs legs. I don’t do the nights where everyone wears the formal attire. That’s ridiculous. It’s just like Halloween, but with suits and cocktail dresses. I don’t buy the millions of pictures they take of me every time I disembark. I don’t care about bingo or the shows. (The Stand Up can be fun...can be...sometimes...) So I don’t know what’s going on with me. I was simply just very very sad to leave. AND I FELT THE SAME WAY WITH THE ALASKAN CRUISE. As I walked down the gangway I started to turn bitter and resentful, my mind flooding with the disgusting notion that a mere few hours from when I’m so unceremoniously shuffled off the ship, new vacationers will replace me, and by five o’clock a new adventure will begin without me. Stupid people. Dumb Carnival Funship.
Even today as we were blasting along the everglades on an airboat, I just wanted so feel the rock of the ship and stare out from my balcony at the water and hear that ocean dancing off of the ship. Last night I even tried to record that sound on my iphone. It came out okay. I can’t bear to listen to it right now. I won’t delete it either. I’m a mess. I really think for me it’s the ocean and the stars. And watching the kids have so much fun with all the little things the discover on the ship throughout the vacation. So I’m just going to stop rambling on and just post a bunch of pictures of them at their cheeriest...that way when I look back and reread this and relive that tinge of blue I felt when my ship time was over, I will next see these photos...and I will feel happy and whole. And eager to do it again.
