So I think maybe a little pondering is necessary. What would Christmas be like if it wasn't, in any way, focused on the sweet baby Jesus? It's already headed that way, but let's just cut Jebus out entirely of Christmas...how would we be different?
Charlie Brown Christmas Special.
WITH JESUS
Charlie Brown declares, "Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?" Linus replies, "Sure Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about..." Then he walks center stage and requests..."Lights, please?" before he goes on his religious monologue about baby Jesus and the angels. And then Linus wraps his shitty blanket around the crappy tree and makes it look like it's an eighty dollar Douglas fur with fancy lights and they all sing.
WITHOUT JESUS
Charlie Brown declares, "Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?" Linus replies, "Sure Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about..." Then he walks center stage and declares..."The lights! Puhleese!" And then his wraps his shitty blanket around the crappy tree and makes it look like it's an eighty dollar Douglas fur with fancy lights and they all sing.
In my opinion... the Jesusless Charlie Brown Christmas Special is a lot more honest. Because really, what little kid cares about some mythological superhero baby over cool Christmas lights and friends and family?
THE GRINCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS
It's the same... Grinch doesn't have Jesus in its message at all. Why? Because Grinch centers on the idea of the importance of merely being with one another over gifts. It also focuses on how a "good society" can get past tradition and cherish the important things in life. Jeepers...I wonder what's "traditional" about Christmas? Could it be the religious aspect? Thus Grinch is practically ANTI-RELIGIOUS muuuaahahaha.
Christmas trees
With Jesus
An angel on the top of the tree. And the knowledge that the "Christmas tree" was a practice stolen from one religion for another- a stolen tradition, rather.
Without Jesus
No angel. Not much difference. Nobody buys a tree because they love baby Jesus. They buy a tree because they love the smell and the enjoy the thrill of something to put presents under, hence it's a celebration of nature (harking back to its original religious intent) and generosity, both are values that happily exist without wonder baby.
Nativity
With Jesus
A barn with barn animals, angels, adults, and a baby.
Without Jesus
A barn with barn animals and adults. Doesn't quite say much. In fact, it kind of highlights how strange the image is when you go ahead and throw in the whole baby and angel part. Feels more like a joke: "A sheep, a virgin, and a baby all walked into a barn..."
A CHRISTMAS CAROL
Only one difference: Tiny Tim's one-liner: "God Bless us, everyone!" Even without Jesus that line can hang in there. In Truth, nobody in America celebrated Christmas until the publishing of Charles Dickens's pretty awesomely a-religious story- yet now people cling to Christmas like it's some 800 year old tradition. So if A Christmas Carol isn't about Jebus, what's it about? Oh, you know...the usual themes that exist when you're not trying to convert someone...kindness, togetherness, family, generosity.
In my opinion, and it seems the growing opinions of most humans, Christmas is and kind of never has been really about Jesus. Thus the war seems to continue.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
THE TRUTH ABOUT FLYING REINDEER
Here is a great quick seasonal read for all.
*****
The Truth About Flying Reindeer
By
Horatio Duncan
Here’s a question that everyone gets asked at least once in their life, “Do you like Christmas?” Most people answer “Yes.” Some say “No.” But it can be said that for the most part most everyone enjoys Christmas – even if it’s just a little bit.
Christmastime is all about giving and taking, nogging and noshing, partying and celebrating. It’s all about snow, or no snow, lights or too many lights, Santa and his Reindeer and snowmen – or snowwomen, because we do, after all, live in a civilized age.
But this story doesn’t cover all of those things. This story only deals with one element of the barrage of Christmas joys:
Flying Reindeer.
If you think about it, and I hope you do, flying reindeer are the most important part of Christmas, are they not? Without Reindeer, Santa would have to cross the globe in one, single night either on foot, pogo stick, or bus. And we all know that nobody - not even Jolly old St. Nick – can make it to every house in the world in one night by foot, pogo, or bus – especially by bus!
No, Santa relies on flying reindeer. Not regular reindeer, but only those of the flying variety. Because anybody who knows anything about regular reindeer knows full well that if they were asked to pull a sleigh around the world (even by Santa) they would just give a grumpy snortle and walk back into the woods. No, flying reindeer are what makes Santa Claus so wonderful. They pull his sleigh full of presents and get him to where he needs to go. And it should be pointed out here that they do it without using a single drop of Gas, and are completely friendly to the environment.
But who gets all the credit? Santa, that’s who! Oh sure oh sure, there’s the story of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer - but that was just a song and a story made up by a department store to get more people interested in buying things for the holidays. There’s no such thing as Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! COME ON, THINK ABOUT IT! A RED NOSE? HOW PURPOSTEROUS!!! Everyone knows that flying reindeer noses are all black. And you can bet your candy canes that no flying reindeer that’s ever been or ever will be would walk around with the name RUDOLPH. Blech!
Here’s a question… Have you ever written a letter to a flying reindeer, asking him or her to please stay healthy so that Santa can make it on Christmas Eve? NOPE. Besides that foolishness with Rudolph the fake nosed reindeer, are there any songs about flying reindeer? NOPE! Even in the Rudolph song, all the other Reindeer were described as jerks that wouldn’t let Rudolph join in the fun. Everyone knows real flying reindeer are very generous.
So now you are going to find out about what flying reindeer are really all about. THE TRUTH. The truth about flying reindeer, and how they change the lives of at least one family every Christmas. (So take that, Rudolph!)
First, let’s look at the difference between a flying reindeer and a regular reindeer. There’s all sorts of differences! For one thing, flying reindeer have a species name all to their own. They are called Fliegen. And Fliegen can do so many more magical things than just fly up in the sky. Fliegen have the ability to communicate with people. Not just anybody, mind you, only those who have the born talent to speak Flie- which is an unknown animal language that can’t be taught. People can only be born already knowing how to speak and understand it. Santa Claus is one of those people.
If a shooting star crosses across the night sky at the moment a reindeer is born, they instantly become a Fliegen. As you can deduct, these two events don’t happen at the exact same moment very often. That is why Fliegen are so rare and special. You won’t be seeing a Fliegen walking down the street any time soon, that’s for sure.
Fliegen and regular reindeer don’t really get along. When a Fliegen is born from a regular reindeer, other Fliegen adopt it and raise it as their own. This may seem sad, but it is better for the baby Fliegen. There is too much jealously among regular reindeer.
A Fliegen’s diet consists of snowbarb- a special wintertime green that grows through the snow, sugarbeets and barley cane. It has recently been discovered that they also are very partial to cheese and, of course, would never turn down an offer of a friendly lick from a candy cane.
When Fliegen are young their coats are pure white. As they grow into adulthood, they shed their white fur to reveal a rich, chocolate coat underneath. The adult males develop antlers as strong as steel and adult females grow a heart-shaped fur pattern on their wide breasts. As mentioned before, every Fliegen’s nose is as black as night, and curiously enough, they all have purple tongues as well.
Fliegen are very generous. If another animal approaches during mealtime, they will happily share their food – even if there isn’t much. The only natural enemy of a Fliegen is the Snowy Titmouse, a gossipy little bird of tremendous annoyance. Since Fliegen don’t like to gossip that much, well - I’m sure you can understand why the two species don’t get along. Fliegen also don’t like to be in the vicinity of nuns. A Fliegen will develop quite a rash if put into close contact with a nun.
Alone, individually, Fliegen, in fact, cannot fly that great of a distance. At most they can glide only a hundred yards or so. But together, Fliegen can easily fly as long and as far as they want. Why is this? Because Fliegen enjoy each other’s company and they enjoy hard work. So, working hard together is the greatest treat to them!
Thanks to many inaccurate stories and just plain obnoxiously incorrect songs, most people believe that Santa has a stable where he keeps his Fliegen. This is just plain false. Fliegen are the most elegant, noble creatures, and they would never, ever allow themselves to be cooped up in some old barn in the north pole! They’re not mules!
The way it works is this: Every year, right after Thanksgiving time, Nik-Klaas (he’s got so many names) leaves his cozy estate in Lapland, Finland. That’s right. The big fella doesn’t live in the North Pole. Have you seen pictures of the North Pole? Nobody could live there…it’s too cold! There isn’t any plumbing or electricity or internet – it’s completely uninhabitable. So, Nik-Klaas puts on a special bright green fur suit then makes the ten day trek from his place to Earfell Forest. Earfell Forest is a massive forest, thick with towering trees of all winter variety, and it is where the Fliegen live. Some believe Earfell Forest to be haunted, but if anyone tells you that, then you know for sure that they aren’t too smart. Forests thrive with life - otherwise they wouldn’t be forests! And how can a ghost be truly happy haunting a place with so much life. The Earfell Forest is no different. Nik-klaas walks to the edge of the forest. He doesn’t ever walk into the forest out of respect for the Fliegen’s personal space. Nik-klaas steps right up to the very edge, then tucks snowbarb and sugarbeets and barley cane into his burly beard, then calls out in Flie to the Fliegen. Now, what he says can’t be translated, but the closest words that resemble what he calls out are,
“Ho ho ho!”
After Nik-klaas calls out for the Fliegen, he kneels down on one knee and lowers his head as a gesture of the great respect that he has for the animals, and remains that way for as long as it takes until one by one, some Fliegen appear. Usually two dozen or so Fliegen show up to greet their friend.
Contrary to another popular falsehood, it is not Santa who chooses his team, but rather the team who chooses Santa. Although they feel that pulling Santa’s sleigh can be tremendous fun, sometimes a Fliegen just isn’t in the mood. So after two dozen or so Fliegen gather at the edge of the forest, the nine that decide they want to help Nik-klaas out that year step forward, lean down, and pull one of the tasty offerings out of Santa’s big beard. Once nine have done so, Santa rises, bows again deeply, turns around and heads home. The Fliegen return to the forest, but know to show up at Nik-klaas’ place on Christmas Eve.
On the morning of Christmas Eve, just as the sun rises, hoofs can always be heard crashing into the snow outside of Nik-Klaas’ house. While they await their departure later that evening, the Fliegen are fed hearty meals of cheese and sugarbeets and snowbarb and barley cane, and giving the highest quality scratches with every minute that goes by. Has it been mentioned yet that Fliegen love a good scratch between the ears? Nik-klaas himself comes out to check on their mood, updates them on the weather, and usually tells them a really good joke about a snowman who likes to eat candy canes.
If you haven’t guessed it already, Nik-klaas is very much loved by all Fliegen. When he was a child, it was a Fliegen that saved him from certain death. And then later, it was Nik-klaas who grew Earfell Forest for them to seek refuge in back during the days when nuns were trying to run them out of existence. But all that is to be told another time.
Once nightfall arrives, Nik-klaas’ assistants gently harness all nine Fliegen to the loaded sleigh. Nik-klaas comes out a final time, stands before them in his bright red fur suit, and kneels deeply to say “Thank you.” If the Fliegen all kneel back in unison, then it is time for take-off!
Take-offs…what a sight to see! Nik-klaas gives the go ahead in Flie and the Fliegen all start to gallop. Such a clip, of course, fills Nik-klaas with so much glee that his chuckles boom out into the cold air. The chuckles, in turn, make the Fliegen so excited that they rush forth with nearly the speed of a jet and up and off they go!
So how does Santa make it everywhere in the world in one single night? Have you ever thought about that? Well, the secret is this: Fliegen don’t just fly really fast. They fly faster than time! They pull that old red sleigh with such velocity that they actually can pull ahead of time. As you well know just by watching the second-hand of a clock, time can only go so fast. Fliegen, when working together, can move much faster.
Now you know.
Fliegen are indeed still living, breathing creatures. And with all living, breathing creatures, Fliegen have…functions. To put it delicately, every Christmas Eve, there is one rooftop somewhere in the world that ends up with a little poo on it. But this isn’t regular poo, this is Fliegen poo. And as with everything else about the Fliegen, their droppings are magical, too. Nobody wants poo on their house rooftops, and the Fliegen respect this. That is why Fliegen poo turns into gold. The gold will stay on the rooftop until the end of the year. If the people who live in the house discover it before the New Year, then they get invited to Nik-klaas’ house to live and help and enjoy Christmastime for a whole year. It may seem like a long time to be away from the life that you know, but OH THE MEMORIES.
So the next time you sing about Christmas and Santa and Rudolph and Frosty…the next time you think about Jack Frost - who always so rudely nips at your nose…think about those kind, noble beasts that really represent the gentleness and generosity that Christmas should be about.
FLIEGEN: THE FLYING REINDEER.
*****
The Truth About Flying Reindeer
By
Horatio Duncan
Here’s a question that everyone gets asked at least once in their life, “Do you like Christmas?” Most people answer “Yes.” Some say “No.” But it can be said that for the most part most everyone enjoys Christmas – even if it’s just a little bit.
Christmastime is all about giving and taking, nogging and noshing, partying and celebrating. It’s all about snow, or no snow, lights or too many lights, Santa and his Reindeer and snowmen – or snowwomen, because we do, after all, live in a civilized age.
But this story doesn’t cover all of those things. This story only deals with one element of the barrage of Christmas joys:
Flying Reindeer.
If you think about it, and I hope you do, flying reindeer are the most important part of Christmas, are they not? Without Reindeer, Santa would have to cross the globe in one, single night either on foot, pogo stick, or bus. And we all know that nobody - not even Jolly old St. Nick – can make it to every house in the world in one night by foot, pogo, or bus – especially by bus!
No, Santa relies on flying reindeer. Not regular reindeer, but only those of the flying variety. Because anybody who knows anything about regular reindeer knows full well that if they were asked to pull a sleigh around the world (even by Santa) they would just give a grumpy snortle and walk back into the woods. No, flying reindeer are what makes Santa Claus so wonderful. They pull his sleigh full of presents and get him to where he needs to go. And it should be pointed out here that they do it without using a single drop of Gas, and are completely friendly to the environment.
But who gets all the credit? Santa, that’s who! Oh sure oh sure, there’s the story of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer - but that was just a song and a story made up by a department store to get more people interested in buying things for the holidays. There’s no such thing as Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! COME ON, THINK ABOUT IT! A RED NOSE? HOW PURPOSTEROUS!!! Everyone knows that flying reindeer noses are all black. And you can bet your candy canes that no flying reindeer that’s ever been or ever will be would walk around with the name RUDOLPH. Blech!
Here’s a question… Have you ever written a letter to a flying reindeer, asking him or her to please stay healthy so that Santa can make it on Christmas Eve? NOPE. Besides that foolishness with Rudolph the fake nosed reindeer, are there any songs about flying reindeer? NOPE! Even in the Rudolph song, all the other Reindeer were described as jerks that wouldn’t let Rudolph join in the fun. Everyone knows real flying reindeer are very generous.
So now you are going to find out about what flying reindeer are really all about. THE TRUTH. The truth about flying reindeer, and how they change the lives of at least one family every Christmas. (So take that, Rudolph!)
First, let’s look at the difference between a flying reindeer and a regular reindeer. There’s all sorts of differences! For one thing, flying reindeer have a species name all to their own. They are called Fliegen. And Fliegen can do so many more magical things than just fly up in the sky. Fliegen have the ability to communicate with people. Not just anybody, mind you, only those who have the born talent to speak Flie- which is an unknown animal language that can’t be taught. People can only be born already knowing how to speak and understand it. Santa Claus is one of those people.
If a shooting star crosses across the night sky at the moment a reindeer is born, they instantly become a Fliegen. As you can deduct, these two events don’t happen at the exact same moment very often. That is why Fliegen are so rare and special. You won’t be seeing a Fliegen walking down the street any time soon, that’s for sure.
Fliegen and regular reindeer don’t really get along. When a Fliegen is born from a regular reindeer, other Fliegen adopt it and raise it as their own. This may seem sad, but it is better for the baby Fliegen. There is too much jealously among regular reindeer.
A Fliegen’s diet consists of snowbarb- a special wintertime green that grows through the snow, sugarbeets and barley cane. It has recently been discovered that they also are very partial to cheese and, of course, would never turn down an offer of a friendly lick from a candy cane.
When Fliegen are young their coats are pure white. As they grow into adulthood, they shed their white fur to reveal a rich, chocolate coat underneath. The adult males develop antlers as strong as steel and adult females grow a heart-shaped fur pattern on their wide breasts. As mentioned before, every Fliegen’s nose is as black as night, and curiously enough, they all have purple tongues as well.
Fliegen are very generous. If another animal approaches during mealtime, they will happily share their food – even if there isn’t much. The only natural enemy of a Fliegen is the Snowy Titmouse, a gossipy little bird of tremendous annoyance. Since Fliegen don’t like to gossip that much, well - I’m sure you can understand why the two species don’t get along. Fliegen also don’t like to be in the vicinity of nuns. A Fliegen will develop quite a rash if put into close contact with a nun.
Alone, individually, Fliegen, in fact, cannot fly that great of a distance. At most they can glide only a hundred yards or so. But together, Fliegen can easily fly as long and as far as they want. Why is this? Because Fliegen enjoy each other’s company and they enjoy hard work. So, working hard together is the greatest treat to them!
Thanks to many inaccurate stories and just plain obnoxiously incorrect songs, most people believe that Santa has a stable where he keeps his Fliegen. This is just plain false. Fliegen are the most elegant, noble creatures, and they would never, ever allow themselves to be cooped up in some old barn in the north pole! They’re not mules!
The way it works is this: Every year, right after Thanksgiving time, Nik-Klaas (he’s got so many names) leaves his cozy estate in Lapland, Finland. That’s right. The big fella doesn’t live in the North Pole. Have you seen pictures of the North Pole? Nobody could live there…it’s too cold! There isn’t any plumbing or electricity or internet – it’s completely uninhabitable. So, Nik-Klaas puts on a special bright green fur suit then makes the ten day trek from his place to Earfell Forest. Earfell Forest is a massive forest, thick with towering trees of all winter variety, and it is where the Fliegen live. Some believe Earfell Forest to be haunted, but if anyone tells you that, then you know for sure that they aren’t too smart. Forests thrive with life - otherwise they wouldn’t be forests! And how can a ghost be truly happy haunting a place with so much life. The Earfell Forest is no different. Nik-klaas walks to the edge of the forest. He doesn’t ever walk into the forest out of respect for the Fliegen’s personal space. Nik-klaas steps right up to the very edge, then tucks snowbarb and sugarbeets and barley cane into his burly beard, then calls out in Flie to the Fliegen. Now, what he says can’t be translated, but the closest words that resemble what he calls out are,
“Ho ho ho!”
After Nik-klaas calls out for the Fliegen, he kneels down on one knee and lowers his head as a gesture of the great respect that he has for the animals, and remains that way for as long as it takes until one by one, some Fliegen appear. Usually two dozen or so Fliegen show up to greet their friend.
Contrary to another popular falsehood, it is not Santa who chooses his team, but rather the team who chooses Santa. Although they feel that pulling Santa’s sleigh can be tremendous fun, sometimes a Fliegen just isn’t in the mood. So after two dozen or so Fliegen gather at the edge of the forest, the nine that decide they want to help Nik-klaas out that year step forward, lean down, and pull one of the tasty offerings out of Santa’s big beard. Once nine have done so, Santa rises, bows again deeply, turns around and heads home. The Fliegen return to the forest, but know to show up at Nik-klaas’ place on Christmas Eve.
On the morning of Christmas Eve, just as the sun rises, hoofs can always be heard crashing into the snow outside of Nik-Klaas’ house. While they await their departure later that evening, the Fliegen are fed hearty meals of cheese and sugarbeets and snowbarb and barley cane, and giving the highest quality scratches with every minute that goes by. Has it been mentioned yet that Fliegen love a good scratch between the ears? Nik-klaas himself comes out to check on their mood, updates them on the weather, and usually tells them a really good joke about a snowman who likes to eat candy canes.
If you haven’t guessed it already, Nik-klaas is very much loved by all Fliegen. When he was a child, it was a Fliegen that saved him from certain death. And then later, it was Nik-klaas who grew Earfell Forest for them to seek refuge in back during the days when nuns were trying to run them out of existence. But all that is to be told another time.
Once nightfall arrives, Nik-klaas’ assistants gently harness all nine Fliegen to the loaded sleigh. Nik-klaas comes out a final time, stands before them in his bright red fur suit, and kneels deeply to say “Thank you.” If the Fliegen all kneel back in unison, then it is time for take-off!
Take-offs…what a sight to see! Nik-klaas gives the go ahead in Flie and the Fliegen all start to gallop. Such a clip, of course, fills Nik-klaas with so much glee that his chuckles boom out into the cold air. The chuckles, in turn, make the Fliegen so excited that they rush forth with nearly the speed of a jet and up and off they go!
So how does Santa make it everywhere in the world in one single night? Have you ever thought about that? Well, the secret is this: Fliegen don’t just fly really fast. They fly faster than time! They pull that old red sleigh with such velocity that they actually can pull ahead of time. As you well know just by watching the second-hand of a clock, time can only go so fast. Fliegen, when working together, can move much faster.
Now you know.
Fliegen are indeed still living, breathing creatures. And with all living, breathing creatures, Fliegen have…functions. To put it delicately, every Christmas Eve, there is one rooftop somewhere in the world that ends up with a little poo on it. But this isn’t regular poo, this is Fliegen poo. And as with everything else about the Fliegen, their droppings are magical, too. Nobody wants poo on their house rooftops, and the Fliegen respect this. That is why Fliegen poo turns into gold. The gold will stay on the rooftop until the end of the year. If the people who live in the house discover it before the New Year, then they get invited to Nik-klaas’ house to live and help and enjoy Christmastime for a whole year. It may seem like a long time to be away from the life that you know, but OH THE MEMORIES.
So the next time you sing about Christmas and Santa and Rudolph and Frosty…the next time you think about Jack Frost - who always so rudely nips at your nose…think about those kind, noble beasts that really represent the gentleness and generosity that Christmas should be about.
FLIEGEN: THE FLYING REINDEER.
Monday, November 30, 2009
W.O.C. (War on Christmas): SALVATION ARMY SANTA IS A CHRISTMAS IMPOSTOR - WHO YOU GIVE TO SAYS A LOT ABOUT WHO YOU ARE.
So now is the season. Now is the time. As we urgently dart from store to store, elbowing other shoppers and shoving our molten credit cards into the starving mouths of store clerks, we hear that "ting-a-ling-a-ling" in the distance. And then we all proclaim, "Ah right! Salvation Army Santa wants my loose change. No problem."BUT I SAY HALT! STOP! DO NOT PULL YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR POCKET! DO NOT GIVE YOUR MONEY TO THAT BEARDED CRETIN!
THE SALVATION ARMY SANTA IS AN IMPOSTOR TO THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS. He's a fraud, a bastard, a bluffer and a cheat. That is, if you truly believe that the spirit of Christmas is about peace and togetherness.
Through the years the Salvation Army has been aggressive and unapologetic in it's anti-gay and pro-Christian politics.
The Salvation Army advocates against imposing "the category of sexual orientation to the list of anti-discrimination protections" by states and cities as well as against "equal benefits to domestic partnership".
The Salvation Army also does not hire people who are known to be gay and fires those who are gay when legally allowed to do so.
The Salvation Army states on its website, "Scripture forbids sexual intimacy between members of the same sex. The Salvation Army believes, therefore, that Christians whose sexual orientation is primarily or exclusively same-sex are called upon to embrace celibacy as a way of life." Jesus...who wants that?
And guess what? They do the exact same with employees or applicants who don't share the same religious beliefs.
"Hey, it's their club...they can decide how they want to play- be it right or wrong." you say. But here's the rub: nearly $300 Million (with a capitol M) of our very hard-to-come by tax dollars are funding them every single year. That instantly turns their club that doesn't like to play fair into an institution that is just damned downright UNAMERICAN!
So here's the tally: Anti-Gay. Anti-anything but Jesus. Anti-American. That is some charity.
Donating to the Salvation Army this season- ESPECIALLY in the times we live in where every dollar that we give truly means something because we all have fewer dollars, says a lot about who you are. It says that you agree with all of the above. Don't get sucked into the Salvation Army's charity sob stories, because there are worthy charities that don't endorse exclusion and hate nearly everywhere else you look.
Ho Ho Ho. Ting-a-ling.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
XMAS DISNEYLAND
Just spent the day at the most Christ-less Christmas spot in all the world...DISNEYLAND! And it was everything Christmastime is supposed to be. Giant Christmas Tree sans religious angel on top. Giant ornaments! Giant snowflakes! Giant marching wooden soldiers marching in a giant parade that crescendos with Santa Clause HO HO HOing a happy a-religious Christmas. Giant pictures of giant Christmas things you can buy for giant prices! Oh, and Mickey Mouse! Not a single nativity in sight. No baby Jesus. No wise men. The only guiding light comes from the small world ride- which is completely Christmased out. And what songs do they sing? Jingle Bells and Deck the Halls. No lyrics about falling to your knees or joying to the world because your lord has come. It's about peace in the world and celebrating togetherness through singing dolls. And we all know deep down that peace on earth and celebrating togetherness, with or without singing dolls, can't be achieved as long as people are falling to their knees and demanding others fall to their knees because the lord has come.
Jingle Jingle Jingle!
Friday, November 27, 2009
IT'S TIME TO WAGE WAR ON CHRISTMAS!
I'm ready to wage War on Christmas. I like Christmas. I like the term "Christmas." I don't want to take "Christ" out of the word "Christmas" because "Happy Holidays" isn't specific enough and the sound of "Christ" sounds so round and full...such as when I exclaim, "Jesus H.M.S. CHRIST!!!" See? It's fun. And I like Christmas Trees. Mainly for the smell, but I also like the idea that Christmas trees are a human tradition older than...well, the story of Jesus. I like Santa Claus- but let's get real. Santa Claus is hardly a religious icon, aside from the very weak attempt to link him to a religion via his name. He's magical, powerful, has minions and bribes kids. And he doesn't forgive "bad kids." He just puts them on a list. Not very Christ-like. Let's get real. Christmas isn't just for christians. Christmas has evolved, you know, become more intelligent. The ideas of sharing time with family and appreciating peace and the season is the main focus now, not celebrating the birth of a made up biblical superhero. Oof...there's that word again. I wrote it a few sentences back. "Evolved." "Evolution." Sorry people who don't believe in science. But Merry Christmas anyway.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
TEN THINGS I'M GOING TO DO ON MY BIRTHDAY
Since today is my birthday, I figured, why not OWN it! So here is a list of things I aim to do today on my birthday. I hope it inspires everyone to do the same on their birthday.
TEN THINGS I'M GOING TO DO ON MY BIRTHDAY
1. Wake my wife up this morning by whispering a creepy falsetto rendition of "Happy Birthday to me!"
2. Drink an ounce of beer for every year I've been alive.
3. Go to Disneyland without my kids. Then take pictures and show them later.
4. Whenever a "cast member" wishes me a happy birthday, respond with "Fuck Yeah...oh ho ho fuck yeaaaah."
5. Go to the Carnation Baby Center at the end of Main Street and request my complimentary birthday breast-feeding.
6. Play my electric guitar and then kick something over- preferably something unbreakable.
7. Point out to someone that I've survived on this world longer than Jesus did, again.
8. Demand my wife jump out of a cake in her birthday law-suit. (she's a lawyer) HIGH-HAT!
9. Accuse some kid, probably one my own, of being an ungrateful whipper snapper. Because really, I had it tougher.
10. Force my wife to applaud and encourage others around us to applaud after everything I say.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
LAUGHLIN.
So we said goodbye to Williams, AZ and drove through Bullhead City to Laughlin Nevada. Why on earth would we go to Laughlin? Because it has the Colorado River, of course!
Honestly, there's not much to point out about Laughlin...except that every square foot of the place was crawling with old people. And it's one thing if this was a spot where old people were having fun. But nobody was having fun. Nobody was smiling or cheering or looking around with glee. All the old folks were just "there." It made me think of a pretty good slogan for Laughlin:
"Laughlin. Because you gotta do something to pass the time until you die..."
And then I thought maybe this is like Pinnochio... maybe young people go into Laughlin, but the experience turns everyone into an oxygen mask wearing, rascal driving octogenarian with a virgin daiquiri in one hand and a fistful of nickels in the other. Then again, maybe this is just where old people pass the time...until death says Peek-a-boo.
"Laughlin. Because you gotta do something to pass the time until you die..."
And then I thought maybe this is like Pinnochio... maybe young people go into Laughlin, but the experience turns everyone into an oxygen mask wearing, rascal driving octogenarian with a virgin daiquiri in one hand and a fistful of nickels in the other. Then again, maybe this is just where old people pass the time...until death says Peek-a-boo.
So after a fantastically repulsive lunch, we headed to the water for an hour long cruise on the Colorado. It was both informational AND fun. Both the girls were given the chance to steer the boat. Charlie kept the craft going straight as an arrow. Chase, on the other hand, took great efforts to turn the steering wheel left and right as much as she could. The boat, under her command, was zig-zagging, and our salty, booze swilled captain actually chuckled that he thought Chase was trying to run us on the rocks!
When Chase was done, Charlie asked her why she was trying to make the boat go so crazy, and Chase answered very sincerely, "THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A BIG STEERING WHEEL!"
Anyhoo, they both got a certificate for driving the boat on the Colorado River, and we happily, and sweatily, trudged back to our car and headed home.
Home is a nice place to be...until the next adventure calls.
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