Expelliarmus Sweatus!

Tonight, the QuaDodge were speeding down highway 4 in a light blue crown vic from the 80s with nothing more than a "For Hire" sign magnetized to the top.  Not "Taxi" but "For Hire."  Inside, there wasn't any "Your Cab Driver is..." type stuff anywhere.  Also, no meter.  Our driver happily told us "Twenty Bucks" right before we got in.  But we were dazed and exhausted...and we simply hoped for the best...

But how did we end up in an unmarked illegal taxi driven by a guy who practically introduced himself to us as "Twenty Bucks?"

Let's go back to yesterday.

Yesterday kicked my ass.  I think yesterday kicked all of our asses.  Yesterday was HARRY POTTER LAND!  Expelliarmus Sweatus!

Harry Potter Land was absobrilliantlutely wonderful.  Located on Universal Studios' "Island of Adventure," we knew it was going to be crowded.  But as with every theme park- money talks.  Tiffany and I resolved to pay Universal's coldly calculated 50 bucks-a-person for their version of a fast pass.  The kicker, though, is that they are only good for each ride once.  But I'm telling you, it was worth it.  Because without that wisely spent money, we wouldn't have been able to tackle every ride.  Now, I'm not going to go into details for the rides...

The Forbidden Journey is the most amazing ride in existence!  It is so wild that this following notice is posted... 

But I will wax poetic about how finely detailed this place is.  I always assumed that the park would have been based solely on the movie.  But the details of this place were also true to the books as well.   It was sort of beautiful in many ways.  If you love Harry Potter (If you don't, you're either stubborn or can't read.) then you would adore this place.  

AND THE BUTTER BEER!  Butter beer butter beer....God Damn that butter beer.  It was exactly as I imagined.

And the tourists are maniacs here.  I think many of them think this place is the actual site of historical events.  People were spending just sick gobs of money on stuff- wands, candy, brooms, hats, etc, as if they thought they were really preparing their kids for Hogwarts.  Wands were 30 bucks a pop! Hogwarts robes were 108 bucks!  Yet kids were running around with both.  Crazy.  

But the Island of Adventure had other areas and other attractions...

Dr. Seuss had a land and it was quite grand!   

We went on those rides, just as was planned.  

We spunned a spin on Cat in the Hat,.

We went on flying fish where water was spat.  

We walked and walked and walked around.

We sweated so much, I thought I would drown.   

We walked so much, I begged to be put down.

For Orlando is hot, it's hotter than hell.

It's even hotter than a biggle borg bell. 

Seuss rides were nice, but kind of tame.

So the girls wanted to up their game.

We left Seuss land.  We decided to flee.

And went to Marvel world to get on Spidey 3D...

Alright, enough of that.  I never got my Doctorate in rhyme so I'm not qualified.

We wrung every penny's worth out of our Express Pass tickets.  We hit the Marvel Section...then we hit this odd cartoon land where there was a Dudley Do-right log ride.  Right?  Strange.  Then we did ole' Jurassic Park.  Kerploosh.  Raaar.  We got very wet.

And then we went back to Harry Potter land for more butter beer and rides.

By the end of the day, we were all broken in half from all the fun.  Two solid days of Theme Parkery in Orlando's unforgiving weather oppression had sapped all of us.  As we left Harry Potter Land the reprise music from the third film's end credit sequence was finishing...it was the perfect farewell.... 

And that's why this morning we were all creaky when we rose out of bed.

But Disney's Wild Animal Park was calling...

And damn it was hot again.  Simply put, I looked like a leaky boat walking around.  The animals looked upon me with disgust.  There were only a handful of rides.  One of them was an amazing roller coaster involving the Yeti.  Backwards, and in the dark.  No, I'm not describing the Christian Right.  I'm talkin' about this Yeti ride.  A-Mazing.

But I have to say I kept thinking over and over today about how, more than all of the rides, I am appreciating these moments with Tiffany and the girls.  It's just a damn shame that most days out of the year we are simply pushing along together.  But during vacation time, we are actually learning ABOUT each other.  Simply because alllll of the daily bullshit is set aside for a awhile.  It's pure treasure.  It makes me happy and remorsefull all at once.

But all the family bonding in the world can't undo the damage all this fun is wreaking on our bodies.  Ultimately, exhaustion effects one's state of mind...and that's how we ended up...well...

It was almost ten p.m. tonight by the time the QuaDodge (sweaty, sticky, sore, chaffed, exhausted, blistered, somewhat limping- and that was only me!) had stumbled around the parking lot of Disney Hollywood...all the way to the "taxi" driver section.  We didn't even go to Disney Hollywood today-that's where we are going tomorrow.   When we were done with the Wild Animal Park we bussed to Downtown Disney for dinner, and then in a strange turn of events we ended up like wandering refugees desperately trying to get to the promised land.   From Downtown Disney we took an hour long bus ride, then a boat, and finally realized we had to take a taxi instead of trying to get to catch two more buses back to our hotel...  The joke of it all is that all of these parks aren't that far from one another....In aforementioned parking lot we came across all the drivers were clustered together, shooting the breeze and waiting for tourists who needed to go home.  Before we were even across the crosswalk one of the drivers broke off from the group and called to us, "Taxi?  Taxi"  Then another stepped forward and said, "No, I will take you!"  Then they started arguing in some language I couldn't recognize and finally one of them just led us to his car...

But we made it to the hotel, safe and sound.  Should we have insisted on a driver who wasn't simply trying to hustle up a living?  Maybe.  But I can't feel my body.  Or rather, I can feel ALL of my body.  

Now, I must shower and apply all sorts of ointments to my everything...

SWEATCOT

Ho man, am I tired.  So very tired.  I can barely think straight I'm so tired.  We flew into Orlando yesterday and the moment the sun came up this morning we shuttled over to EPCOT...wellllll over an hour before opening...THEN SPENT THE NEXT TWELVE HOURS THERE.  Did you read that?  Did you?  The next twelve hours.  And you know, the one thing that they never tell you..."they" being the Florida board of tourism...is that it's prehistorically hot here.  Sweaty hot.  Steamy hot.   Every pore in your body turns into a geyser of liquid, salt and anger.  You can feel the heat beating up off of the pavement.  And then later in the day...it rained!  It rained a couple of times...then hot even steamier.  Damn it's hot.

None of the Jammie Dodgers have ever been to Epcot before- or any theme park in Florida...I won't bother doing the blow by blow of each ride at Epcot.  All I can say is, I loved Spaceship Earth- Disney Ca doesn't have rides on that level of cheese anymore and it was like getting a slow, rocking hug from an old drunk friend when our Spaceship Earth personmobile rounded the track inside that big beautiful tin testicle and I saw the animatronic caveman moving around like he was having a frozen seizure.  So nice.

Epcot's World Showcase was pretty impressive.  The attention to detail seemed pretty good.  I mean in "China" they sold Mr. Brown Coffee!  You can't get more authentic than that.  By the way, did you know that "NI HAO" means hello in Chinese?  If you didn't, go to Epcot and you'll find out.   At Dinner, Charlie even sketched personalities for each of the countries in the World Showcase on our paper tablecloth.  By the way, not ever wanting to be without her sketchbook and pencil- Charlie dutifully carried them along with her all day.

But I think everyone's favorite part of the World Showcase was Britain.  Hard to explain why.  Maybe it was because they sold Guinness and had superb fish and chips.  Maybe it was because everyone there had a British Accent.  It's hard to tell for sure, but we really had a jolly good time in that particular part.

But to me, the complete day maker, the total theme park WIN- was the AMERICAN ADVENTURE show in the America area.  It's like great Moments with Lincoln (A true favorite of mine at Disney Ca) BUT STEROIDS!  Animatronic Mark Twain!  Talking to Animatronic Benjamin Franklin!  Are you shitting me?!  Telling the story of America?  And then there's ANIMATRONIC FDR...WHAAAAT?  We only stumbled into the place because of the rain...and once I realized what was about to unfurl before my sweaty eyes I started to get jittery with excitement.  No joke.  Ask the wife.  I was nearly a giggling fool.

The truly remarkable thing about Epcot is the open space.  Lakes, fountains, grassy hills...just open space.  It was so nice.  And although some spots were a tad crowded...nothing ever felt crowded.   Epcot itself can be best described as vast.  I never expected that at all.  And it was wonderful.  The other worth mentioning...everything is educational.  I don't get it.  I'm not used to it.  But I found it a pleasant surprise.  So here you have a theme park that isn't crowded, is educational, and every square inch of it isn't crowded with self promoting rides based on movies that were based on rides based on movies...I'm glad we finally made it to Epcot because I just don't ever see a place like this being allowed to exist much longer.

We finished up the day eating in Morocco and then dragged out sweaty asses to the shuttle to get back to the hotel.  Not a bad opening day for "Invasion Orlando '13."

But tomorrow. .. Tomorrow fills my heart with a dread of iced sweat.  Tomorrow we hit Harry Potter Land.  I know it's called something else- but really that's what it is.  Harry Potter Land- where half the population of Orlando will probably be.  The heart of darkness and lines....

A SHORT STORY BY CHARLIE DODGE

CHRISTMAS AFTER ALL

It was December 24, 1936, and money was tight for everyone. Pa was out of work, so it was even worse for us. My 7 year-old brother Ray, was worrying about Christmas.

“But Ken, what if Santa can’t afford to give us presents this year?” he fretted.

“Don’t be so ridiculous,” I replied, though deep down, I was worried too.

Not because I believed in Santa, oh no, that wasn’t the case at all. I was

worried about Ray. I didn’t want him to have a horrible holiday.

I knew Christmas wasn’t going to be much this year, not with Pa out of work. Which was why I was surprised when Ma gently pushed a folded dollar bill into my hand.

“Go get something sweet for Ray and yourself Kenneth,” she said softly, “you two deserve it,”

I ran out the door and down the block to the general store. Once inside, I strolled up and down the many different aisles, greedily eyeing the candies. There were Junior Mints, Good ‘n’ Plenties, and a jar of peppermint sticks. In the corner, there was an icebox with sodas inside. Dr. Peppers, Cokes, and some grape sodas. I had just made up my mind to get a box of Junior Mints for Ray, and a Dr. Pepper for myself at $.50 each. Then I saw it.

“It”, was a tiny spindly little potted Christmas tree. “It”,was also $2.00! I didn’t have enough for it. Not even if I dropped the Dr. Pepper. I stood there awhile trying to figure out what to do, then I walked up to Sam, the cashier. I told him of my dilemma, and he said that I could get the Junior Mints and give him $.50 for the tree now. Then, next week, I could work in the store until I earned the other $1.50 I agreed, then walked out of the store cradling my purchases.

When I got home, I tiptoed through the door, because Ray had gone to bed after I had left, and I didn’t want to wake him. I set the tree down on the table, then slid the candies underneath. Santa could afford to get gifts for everyone after all.

TEN DAYS, THREE THOUSAND MILES...DONE

It is 1:33 am in Las Vegas. And I am tired and satisfied. We had one hell of a road trip. Las Vegas is our last stop. Yesterday we trucked from Yellowstone to Bryce Canyon and it was glorious and good. The red rocks of Bryce are incredible, and worthy of a longer trip in the future. We celebrated Charlie's 11th birthday at a greasy spoon- which was modest and fun. But we were all ready for civilization. We were ready for a real hotel. The hotel in Bryce was rough. I won't go into detail here, but the conditions were so pitiful that it motivated me to actually post a Yelp review about it. You can read it after the link if you have nothing better to do:

http://www.yelp.com/biz/bryce-view-lodge-bryce-canyon#hrid:rJhWAUUqa0l2QzPPitsFiw

But hey, you can't win them all, right?

But tonight we are in the MGM Grand. God I love Vegas. I truly do. I didn't think I really missed it while in the rural areas on this trip, but I truly did miss the "freak" element of my usual surroundings- L.A. Vegas offers enough of freak to make me realize it. Does that even make sense?

I'm ready to get back and tackle the next few months. While on my third martini tonight- the lyrics to a U2 song kept rattling around in my head:

I'm ready
I'm ready for the laughing gas
I'm ready
I'm ready for what's next
I'm ready to duck
I'm ready to dive
I'm ready to say
I'm glad to be alive
I'm ready
I'm ready for the push.

I am so fuckin' ready for the push!

So we dined at STACK in the Mirage, shopped at this wonderful magic store at Caesar's Palace called HOUDINI'S- Chase bought a magic trick and I urge all of you to ask her to perform it for you. Forget the trick, just watch her face. She enjoys every moment of performing that trick. Charlie bought a puzzle that she can't figure out- and she's torn between figuring it out herself or finding a cheat for it online. It's a unique type of fun/agony that only someone under 21 can have...

Then we watched the Penn & Teller show. I've been a fan of Penn Jillette for some time. In 2005 he wrote this essay for NPR that stuck to my ribs because I agree with his philosophy wholeheartedly. Here's the link to it. Read it -- or better yet, listen to him read it himself.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5015557

The show was great. Before the show started the audience was invited to come up on stage and inspect some of the magic props that would be used in the show. It's kid friendly- but just dangerous enough to keep them from feeling patronized... and then at the end, this happened:

Then, as one does in Vegas...we all went and had milkshakes at 11:30 at night.

I think my favorite moments were on the Klamath. I'd like to give one more shout out to Mr. Fucking Perfect, Rael. Here is his website. If you ever want to go rafting up in Southern Oregon- it would be a mistake not to use him.

http://www.raelswhitewater.blogspot.com/

___

It's becoming clear to me that there are two main things you have to give your kids to give them a chance at a relatively happy life:

1) The Opportunity to Learn at a College.

2) The Opportunity to gain relatively happy experiences that will give them their own unique worldview that, in turn, contributes positively to their surroundings.

I'd like to think that these last ten days have provided a little bit of number two. But who knows? Only they know. And maybe they don't even know it right now- but rather years from now. As a parent I'll never know. As a parent I only plant the seed, but can't sow those particular rewards. That's what keeps things interesting.

On an average day I only see Charlie and Chase for about two and a half hours. A half hour in the morning- helping them get ready for school and sometimes driving them to school. That half hour is all work. It's a complete task where nobody is in a conversational mood. There is no exchange of personal information during this brief morning blip that I share with them. Then, in the evening- who am I kidding- then at NIGHT when I come home, I have two hours to spend with them. And during those two hours it's about finishing up homework, getting some reading done, baths, showers, lectures, scolds, organizing, then getting them ready for bed. If I'm lucky...I get maybe a half hour of direct, focused conversation with them. I'm just not around enough for anything more right now. As the days blur together, sometimes we become nothing more than task masters and them the task conductors.

And that's why I loved these last ten days. We were all together. Trapped in a car, for many days up to eight hours. And yes there were video games played. But we had a whole lot of good conversation too. Here are some topics that we chatted about:

Profanity

Birthdays

Halloween Costumes

The difference between and hour and a half and a half hour

Frankie

Horses

The Great Spaghetti Monster in the Sky

Eddie Izzard

Death

The Afterlife

Volcanos

The Beatles

Next Year's Talent Show

Story Structure

Body Image

Body Hair

Funny TV Commercials

Green Day

Guitar Chords

Why the sulfer pots smelled so bad and made chase want to throw up

Futurama

Droopy Dog

The Future

Snoopy

Charles Schultz

Mormons

South Park

USC

Jail

Oregon Trail

American Indians

Candy

Politics

White Water Rafting

Gerardia

Stephen Hawkings

Poop

Make-up

The Bullshit of the NCAA

Rocks

Elvis

My Childhood

Tiffany's Childhood

Bear attacks

Camping Outdoors

How nothing is free

The Bill of Rights.

M&Ms

Like some sort of interpersonal crockpot- our car has slowly cooked us back into four people who know each other a little bit better now. Who can ask for more out of a trip? How can that be topped?

Don't worry...we will always keep trying...

Mahmahmahmah Shoshone. Yellowstone and Restaurant Surprise!

I am exhausted. By the time anyone reads this we will already be blazing back across part of the waistline of Idaho over to Utah. We are going to have to wake up first thing in the morning. First thing. For a ten to twelve hour drive to Bryce. YAAAAAY!!!

Yesterday we tackled an eight or so hour drive across the waistline of Idaho to Montana. West Yellowstone. But before we got there we decided to swing into Twin Falls to take a peek at Shoshone Falls. I only have two words to say about Twin Falls. Why in the hell is Twin Falls NOT the capital of Idaho? It has so much more going on than Boise it's ridiculous. AND it's about a billion times more beautiful- because of the valley carved out by the snake river. But oh well. I can't spend any extra effort figuring out Idaho.

So after a looong drive we pulled into West Yellowstone, Montana. Big Sky Country! We checked into the Three Bears Lodge, located on one of the main drags of the city. West Yellowstone is best described as being exactly like one of the touristy trap ports o'call you'd step into while on a Cruise. Half bad restaurants, stores brimming with miscellany that say "Yellowstone" all over it. Lots of tourists from everywhere crammed anywhere they can be crammed into...

This morning, the Dodge Four woke up at O' Six thirty sharp and bee lined into Yellowstone. Now, we've been to Yosemite. But Yellowstone is one of the most beautiful places in the United States. (Always will have a soft spot for Hawaii, though.) I won't go into the details of everything, because none of my descriptions will do any of it justice. It's a lot like the Grand Canyon in the sense that pictures and words can't accurately describe it. Ever. Only by being here, by seeing and hearing and breathing that place- will you any idea of the majesty it beholds. Which is why I'm happy that dragged my kids here. I will never forget turning that bend of road and seeing an entire horizon of columns of steam from all the geysers and springs rising into the morning sky. Right there in my dome. Forever.

So we hit all the popular hot springs and geysers. So alien and dangerous and beautiful. Then we drove over to Old Faithful. Wow. There is an entire tourist complex built around this one geyser. It's fantastic. But the National Park Visitor Center was splendid. The exhibits and Ranger talks and everything they had on display were just wonderful. Chase completed another Junior Ranger program, and received a patch. Charlie, later at the Canyon Visitor Center, did essentially the same thing, but for the Young Scientist Patch. Now, I try not to get too rah rah over things- but experiencing Yellowstone really made me think about what a wonderful thing our U.S. National Parks are. There is nothing like them in the world and it is really something to be proud of. It is our government working at it's most sincere form...actually FOR the people.

After Old Faithful, we jumped back onto the lower loop and went looking for wildlife. We saw Bison. Lots of Bison. But no angry bears or ravenous moose. Oh yeah, we saw some female elk, too. But mainly Bison. Which was supreme. Although an angry bear from a distance would have been great, too.

The lower loop took ALL day. But it was worth it. I really wish we had more time here. I would love to see the whole park. I want THAT much time to spend here. But a single day trip will have to do for starters.

So at the end of the day, after we left the park, we hit a center for "rescued bears and wolves" The girls got their wild animal fix and I hope our admission fees do actually go to the benefit of the animals. There was one moment where Chase stood, watching the wolves, and one wolf stopped right in front of her...then the rest of the pack sort of stopped too. I'm not sure if they were about to raise their paws in solidarity to Chase or they saw her as a little tasty morsel. Who knows.

Thus, we were hungry at the end of our day of adventure. But West Yellowstone really doesn't have much to offer in terms of "fresh" cuisine. It's mainly burgers and fries and other things that are fried. Tiffany had found out about a fish and chips place- but it was closed. So we opted for this other restaurant she read about on Yelp. Cafe Madriz. It was just outside of town- away from the drag of gut rot burger joints. It was a very small, rustic establishment with wooden picnic tables set up inside that served authentic Spanish tapas style dishes. The owners were husband and wife- the wife being from Spain. And let me tell you. It sounds odd to say that this little restaurant's food could give any West LA restaurant a good run for it's money. Every ingredient fresh. Everything personally cooked by the owner. We had a dish as simple as scrambled eggs and asparagus that tasted creamy with just enough crunch from the vegetables. Every bite left you feeling warm. The secret ingredient? The eggs were freshly laid by the chickens behind the restaurant. The Paella... UN. BE. LIEVABLE. I've never had Paella this good and fear I never will again unless I come back to Montana. You read that sentence right. To finish things off we had fresh lemon pudding for dessert, but it was actually more of a fresh honey yogurt with freshly ground lemon zest. The tartness left you feeling light and happy. It was the best meal of the trip. It was the best meal I've actually had in a long damned time. And I found it on the Montana Border.

Cafe Madriz. Come up here and make your mouth happy.

Ugh. Got less than five hours of sleep. Got a long haul tomorrow. Until...then...

FROM CAVES TO CRATERS...TO BOISE

Yesterday morning the Dodge Four said goodbye to the Treesort, which was a travestree- but a necessary one because we had to make our way to Crater Lake.

But before that, we took a spontaneous right and dove into a last minute adventure into the Oregon Caves near Cave Junction. Now, I've never thought of myself as claus...claus....claustrophic, but I felt an odd sensation when first entering the cave. A tightening of the chest, if you will. I think Tiffany and Chase also felt the same way. Charlie, on the other hand, seemed to be in heaven! She even wanted to scoot to the front of the tour group, away from us!

Sadly, this tour promised over 500 steps and near-crawl on your face conditions, so the Dodge Four bailed halfway through. I felt bad because Charlie really wanted to go on. She REALLY wanted to. And I don't blame her either. But well, it just wasn't realistic for that moment. But looking at how sad she was only guaranteed that now I'm going to have to train on a stair master and condition my core so that I can take her on future cave tours to make up for it.

While at the Caves, Chase got appointed Junior Ranger for the U.S. National Park Services. I think she digs it. I know she's hoping to get a Junior Ranger badge from Yellowstone, as well.

After a quick lunch at a country store in cave junction, we hit the road, and made our way up to Crater Lake. By the time we reached The Crater Lake Lodge, storm clouds were gathering. It sprinkled some, but quickly cleared up. However for the remainder of the night, a wicked lightning storm was going off in the distance. As the four of us ate dessert in wooden rocking chairs on the lodge patio, we could both look up at the stars overhead AND watch the lightning storm in the distance. Take that, Nintendo DS!

Would you consider me a curmudgeon if I went on a small rant here? Before dessert, we drove the entire rim Crater Lake. And every time we got out to take a photo or a look or both, I couldn't help but notice how quiet it was. It was nice. Not something I could take all the time, but very very nice. And then we got back to the Lodge. I couldn't help but notice how people just can't manage to shut up. Here we are, surrounded by a miracle of nature, and some old hen is droning on about her boring niece and nephew's new carpeting. Really? Here? These surroundings just naturally compel you to close your mouth and look. Around. But it seemed like it was most of the people at the lodge. Gab gab gab. Nobody can take pause anymore. Every minute has to be filled with something. Nobody even thinks about how the world was before humans made it noisy. Don't get me wrong, I'm noisy. But the worst kind of noise is small talk. THE WORST. Instead of small talk, next time just shut up. The world will be a better place. And elevators will be tolerable once again. Small talk is a human travestree.

This morning we woke up and jumped back on the highway, and spent all day making our way to Boise, Idaho.

I kinda didn't realize that Boise is practically on the border of Oregon and Idaho. A good portion of our drive was through the Oregon Badlands. Wow. Not the Oregon you envision in your head when you think of Oregon.

About halfway through The Badlands we were in need of gas. But there weren't any chain stations around. The only places that sold gas were the occasional single-pump dusty, gas/coffee shop type places that look perpetually closed. So I decided to pull over to one of these.

In Oregon you aren't allowed to pump your own gas, so I waited in the car. And out of the coffee shop ambles a very tall old man with gritty whiskers.

He gets to the window, takes a look a me and says, "I've seen you before!"

"You have?!" I ask.

"Yeah I have. I've seen you before!"

"Oh, I don't know..."

And then the guy filled the car up with gas and left it at that. Heh. I don't look like Zach Galifianakis.

Once crossing over into the land of Potato, I was very excited, because I've never been to Idaho. When researching things to do in Boise, I discovered "Going to an Edward's movie theater." in the top 25. But that's okay. Not everything has to be New York City. We grabbed a smashing BBQ dinner and took a swim in the hotel swimming pool and are getting ready for bed. Nice day. Tomorrow, we travel the width of the state to MONTANA! Until then.

A raft down the River

I don't know if I ever mentioned this to you but about six months ago I reread Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn back to back. I love Mark Twain. I love him for reasons that I won't get into, but if you don't love him, don't tell me about it.

All my life I always wanted to do the things Huck did. I wanted to catch fireflies on a balmy night. I wanted to chase frogs on the riverbank. I wanted to ride a raft to places where nobody knew where I was. (I've never wanted to swing a dead cat over my head to ward off bad luck, though.) The older I get, my private little dreams have transmographied into quiet wishes for my two girls. I've always hoped that they could have childhood experiences in nature- where they were brave and curious and happy in a place more wild than tame, to a degree. But as it turns out, I'm not a nature guy. I'm not a most valued customer at REI. I can't even hike that well. And Tiffany is worse than I am. She gets nervous when the kids merely play on grass because she's just not used to grass being anywhere, really. So I've been pretty resolved that my quiet wishes would remaining nothing more than that...

This morning I woke up after a stupendous night with the treehouse windows wide open and every entomology of bug thwapping on our pillowcases. I was truly rested. I find I always sleep better when my surroundings are as close to "outside" as it can get. I love the feeling of half-waking in the early am, right as the temperature changes and begins to cool down, and I sleepily make sure the blanket is wrapped around me a little bit more for that extra warmth. Last night was one of those nights. Perfect. And I'm hoping that tonight will be as well. (But first I have to blog...even though my eyes can barely stay open and everyone else in the treehouse is already asleep.)

So wake up we did, and we grabbed a hearty breakfast provided by the treesort. I went into the kitchen to explore first. And I was pleased to see that there were two spectacular things going on in the kitchen.

1) The chef was making scones that actually had smoked bacon in them!

2) The chef was a cross-dresser.

Now, I don't know about you, but I love these little beautiful twists that life gives us. Some people run from them, but I welcome them. I hope for them. Otherwise, everything can get pretty hum-drum pretty fast. Judging from what little interaction I had from some of the other treesort patrons, I was ready for some awkward looks and double takes- BUT THERE WERE NONE! Now, either everyone was effectively playing it cool as ice or nobody noticed or nobody cared. I hope it was the last one...but I'm too skeptical to truly believe that.

Anyhoo, breakfast was out of control good. I hate scones, but these scones were otherworldly. There were two different types of fresh baked quiche and well as piping hot french toast and fluffy scrambled eggs. I am looking forward to tomorrow already.

After the Dodge Four Breakfasted we let the girls explore the grounds a little more. Not far from the main area, across a small pasture, sat a kiddie zipline and something that is simply referred to a "Tarzan Swing." The girls ziplined about a million times and then scrambled to the giant rope hung between two trees. We even got Tiffany to take a ride once. Okay twice.

But soon enough it was time to hit the river! We were going river rafting today. Do you know that Tiffany loves rafting? This is an odd contradiction to the fact that she easily gets motion sick. But she loves to hit the water on that inflatable...

As luck would have it, the Dodge Four were the only passengers for this raft tour! So we had the raft and the guide all to ourselves. Our guide's name was Rael. Just imagine Bradley Cooper. Same speaking style, look, demeanor, and fucking unavoidable tanned swimmer's body and all that Adonis-like nonsense. At first I didn't even think of all this...but once we put the raft in the water, Rael casually took off his shirt and the angels wept. Jesus Christ. Later as we conversed, I learned that Rael was once a professional soccer player, then model. But he felt he wanted to give back so he got his masters and started teaching high school social studies. During summer break he returns to the rivers he travelled on with his father as a boy, but now as a guide, to share his love for nature with everyone else. Jesus, Rael, really?

But Rael was awesome. Cool. Collected. Friendly but he never tried to yuk our heads off. Most importantly, he never spoke to the girls as if they were retarded..which many touristy type people do with kids. Nope, Rael spoke to them like they were just two of four equal people on the raft.

Our rafting trip on the Klamath River lasted all day, and in between class 2 to 3 chop we lazed on down stream. When the water was calm we would all hop out of the boat and just bob along. The fantastic part of it all was that we had the entire river to ourselves. As we floated along on our backs, sometimes as much as fifty feet separating each of us, with the majestic tree lined cliffs on either side of us, it almost felt intimate, because it was only us. Our voices echoed and tripped off into silence, and all that was left each time was the sound of the river.

Many times, as we floated along, the calm water in the distance would start sounding anxious, and Rael would coolly say, "Alright, juuust a little bit ahead is a rapid, so you're gonna wanna get back into the raft now." But every time, our response to this was not equally cool. We'd start panic-swimming back to the raft as if Niagra Falls were ahead. Rael would help heft us back into the raft, (Which was reminiscent every time of a Green Peace sea lion rescue.) We'd take our positions and ride churners that go by the names of "the rattlesnake" or "the devil's toenail." Sometimes Charlie and Chase would sit on the nose of the raft and ride the rapids like a bucking bronco. Then the water would get calm again and cicadas would click at us on one side of the river and the grasshoppers would beat their wings at us on the other side and the dragonflies would return and alight on our fingers and toes as if welcoming us to a really friendly club that we always heard had existed, but never took the time to look for.

And after a long day of gliding down the river, watching the bald eagles and ospreys and blue herons flying overhead, our end point arrived. The kids would have rafted to the ocean if we let them. We waited on the shore as Rael put the raft up on the trailer, and the girls noticed hundreds of fingernail sized frogs, jumping in the sand and swimming in the water. I watched them follow these frogs, laughing and pointing and chasing. And I felt good.