Happy Birthday Charlie Dodge!!!

08-28-08 was Charlie's 8th Birthday. So what did we do? We let her experience a little PINEAPPLE EXPRESS! And let me tell you, she went for a ride...

I don't know what any of you might have been thinking, but I'm referring to that charming little choo choo train that chugs around two miles of Pineapple crops at the Dole Pineapple Plantation. Hmmm, Pineapple. Interesting factokalu (Hawaiian Fact) #1:

PINEAPPLES AREN'T HAWAIIAN. That's right. They're Brazilian. Legend has it that they found their way to the islands via a Spanish shipwreck. But the mix of the fresh ocean breeze and the reddish volcanic-mixed soil made Pineapples really kick some serious ass around these parts. Good for them!

We also tackled the world's largest maze, and were supposed to find the hidden markers that had little shapes you could stencil onto your ticket. At first Chase tried to just take off on a path all her own, completely uncaring that she could instantly lose us. She felt she knew where to go.

But after twenty minutes both kids started to panic we were making them "hike" again, so we all four resolved to give up. In Chase's words, "I didn't ask to do this Daddy. I didn't ask to do this..."


While lost in the maze, aside from fearing that whatever we touched might take us directly to Lord Voldemort, we did happen to run into the largest snail I've ever seen in my life. I told the kids not to make eye contact, for I was certain it was carrying a firearm.

After sampling from chilly Pineapple ice cream in Pineapple Juice we Pineappled our Pineapples out of there... to take on the Polynesian Cultural Center.

The layout affords visitors to experience a "village" from each of the Polynesian Islands...and the entire place is run by BYU. Factokalu #2:

Seventy percent of the employees at the PCC are current BYU students. What?

Activities were abundant. Demonstrations rotund. And it was really cool to experience the wide swath of Polynesian Cultures all in one gulp. The only odd thing was that every cultural presentation, which was thoroughly comprehensive with history and politics and social structure, was totally devoid - I mean no evidence whatsoever - of any historical religious markings whatsoever. I wonder why...

This was a picture that Charlie took with her own Camera when she and Chase went off on their own for a craft activity. Tiffany and I found this on her camera later.

The girls were officially worn to a nub. And we hadn't even tackled the Luau yet!

We Luaued at the PCC. The show was something straight out of a time warp from the Catskills. Some guy who called himself "Uncle Benny" pops up onstage while we are all jawing wildly at roast pig and poi and he proceeds with Ukelele backed impersonations of everyone from Elvis to Tiny Tim to Louis Armstrong. In between his shtick some underage Hula Dancers would perform and then he'd shoo them offstage with lots of overplayed saccharin, "Ahh Cousins, doesn't Hawaii just grow the cutest kids?"

But then, at the very end of the show...I mean the last two minutes...Uncle Benny hauls into this wild, satanic inspired Ukelele performance that would put any professional guitarist to shame. He had voodoo in his fingers. He turned into a Ukelele Jimmy Hendrix, playing wicked and fast and accurate, then doing the same thing behind his head, then under his leg, then with his teeth. The guy was a Ukelele miracle. Which left me thoroughly disoriented and chewing on my sleeve. It was like watching that funny vendor at a baseball game with the vacant look in his eyes suddenly cold cock a few fans out of the way to get to the field and then hit a homer. Why hadn't he done this from the beginning? Wouldn't everyone rather see Uncle Benny go up there and tear it up instead of baring the brunt of bad impressions and outdated cheese whiz? Uncle Benny, you can do so much more!

After the Luau the girls looked like two prisoners of war on a long march: delirious, exhausted, practically beginning for the fun to stop. But we hadn't even gotten to the show yet!

The show was called HORIZONS and was all about all the various island cultures and their dancing and yelling...by the way, that's what I appreciate most about the island cultures...they love to yell...and I don't mean HEY EARL CAN YOU PASS ME THE GODDAMN SALT? I mean, they yell as if they are linemen in the NFL. HHOOOOOORAAAAR!!! Wild eyed. Tongue waggling. Honest and insane. I love it. I've resolved to do it more in my day to day life. I think it will be a noticeable change for the better.

So yes, stomping and yelling and hip swanking and hula dancing...and all the while both girls' heads were lolling on their shoulders with their eyes stuttering back into their respective, exhausted sockets. Tiffany and I would exchange glances that essentially said, "Look, so sweet, they've had such a great day they can't take any more...our little angels." Then we would vigorously shake them awake. "HEY! HEY! YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT! FIRE! FIRE! YOU CAN'T MISS THE FIRE! IT'S FIRE! HEY! WAKE UP! FOCUS!

True to their spirit, Charlie and Chase came-to just long enough to see all the fire action. And nobody left the show feeling burned.