Noni

Cousins,

Nothing says "Hawaii" like having breakfast at a joint called "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and watching the first possession of USC football over a breakfast cheeseburger (what made it breakfast was an egg on top.) FIGHT ON! Although it was hard to pull away from the gridiron...I knew that if I stayed this day would be on the list of things Charlie could hold against me in the future. Thus, after USC's first touchdown, we skeedaddled to the Pearl Harbor Memorial.

Near the parking lot of the Memorial there is a sign that says no large cameras, backpacks, camera bags, purses, diaper bags and strollers are allowed.

Before you actually make it out to the Memorial you watch this pretty effective 22 minute movie talking about the "Day that will live in Infamy." A lot of it I never knew about. I also didn't know they had actual footage of the U.S.S. Arizona exploding. It was pretty violent. There was even a shot of a dead body bobbing in the water. Chase was totally oblivious. Charlie told me afterward it was scary. Then we went out to the Memorial.

After that we bopped op to the Punchbowl Crater, but not being of the ilk to see who's buried in there, we looked at the skyline and left.

In the evening we took a short little cruise up the side of the island to watch the sun set. But the setting sun wasn't the most stunning thing about this experience. This was.

I don't even need to talk about it. The picture speaks for itself. And by the way, Charlie took this photo.

After dinner (we had dinner on the boat) Chase had lots of fun sitting at the very front, with the wind whipping in her face, pretending that she was the Captain who was trying not to crash the boat.

Satisfaction. If I knew how to say it in a hundred different languages I'd say it a hundred times.

Mahalo.

LIFE IS A BEACH...

Cousins,

I'm nursing a Tazo Lotus Green Tea "a decaffeinated tea with the subtle essence of lotus blossoms" and have slathered my body with Banana Boat After Sun gel. I am spent. We all are spent. We all are...actually, slathered in After Sun gel. We are the carcasses that "FUN" has left behind in it's fearsome, fun-filled wake...

Today we broke in our snorkel gear, which we rented from Snorkel Bobs - "If you can't say you wished you rented from Snorkel Bob instead...it's probably because you've drowned." I think that's their motto...but I'm really bad at paraphrasing. Today we hit two spots, Ko Olina and Kuilima Cove.

Ko Olina was a very pleasant little nook of a place just perfect for Charlie to get used to all the snorkel stuff on her face and feet. Now, we could only use a waterproof camera for this day, and it's not digital, so we don't have the exact pictures ready, but I've found others that will help you get the picture. Thank you.

This is what Ko Olina looks like. Just nothing less that a dollop of the good life. Charlie donned all her gear and was ready, and after choking a few times, started to get the hang of things.

Now, it must be pointed out right here and now that Charlie had taken swimming lessons earlier this summer for the sole purpose of being able to go snorkeling. So this was again a very proud moment for Mom and Dad. She took the whole experience with ease. Never panicked or freaked out...even when her snorkel filled with water...which it did many times. In fact, the very first outing at Ko Olina where I took her very far out...I could swear I heard singing. And the song was familiar. Charlie was bobbing in the ocean for the first time, snorkel adorned, and was humming what I could swear was "Tequila," punctuating it occasionally with a high pitched "OOOOOOO" whenever a tropical fish swam by.

Chase...did not snorkel. We rented for her what is called a "Lookie Board." It's a boogie board with a plastic portal to see into the water.

Now, naturally, the waves at Ko Olina weren't that big. In fact, there were no waves at all - which is what made it so perfect for everyone to start off with. But I'm sure if Chase knew this maneuver was a possibility she'd force me to make it happen.

I myself have not snorkeled for about ten years or so, and had forgotten the odd sense of claustrophobia you can experience while floating around with a mask on that prevents any peripheral vision...but I quickly acclimated and felt very accomplished after my first dive.

Tiffany was the biggest snorkeling question mark of all. For some reason Tiffany has been prone to getting sea sick of late. While whale watching in Monterey last year she was the greenest I'd ever seen her in all the time I've known her. So visions of Tiffany releasing huge plumes of violent underwater vomit, thus causing a swarm of stupid frenzied tropical fish who thought it was a free meal...hundreds darting in and out of this aqua puke cloud and my poor wife in the middle of it...well, that scenario has come to my mind more than once. But, alas! It was all for nothing. Tiffany rocked Ko Olina like a pro.

Okay, I know I know...we weren't jet skiing. But it's 11:53pm and every muscle in my body is calling me a total jerk right now...to my face.

After Ko Olina we tackled the North Shore for some shrimp trucks and Matsumoto's. The shrimp truck we ate at was called MACKY's and claimed to have won the 2005 "Battle of the North Shore Shrimp Trucks." Nuff said, right? Time to eat!
After we yum yummed we hit Matsumoto's, which I have to say is like the PINK'S HOT DOGS of Oahu. Big line. All the books, by the way, said the line moved at a crisp pace, so no big deal. That line was so long and so slow that we had time for two different "pee emergencies" where one of us had to get in the car to whisk one of the girls to a store that allowed us to use their restroom...TWICE. When we finally did get it, both Tiffany and Chase were not impressed at all. Charlie and myself enjoyed our respective shaved ice, but we didn't feel that it opened our minds to a whole new meaning of life. The ice was fluffier...the flavors were wider in variety. The rest is just because you have to if you are at the North Shore...I think. Maybe I'm wrong.

After shaved ice it was time to terrorize some more fish, so we went to Kuilima Cove. This is what Kuilima Cove looks like.

That was precisely what we were looking out at. Brilliance. The waves were friskier here. And the swells really tried their best to pull you out as far as they could, but the sights were top notch. I myself had a run in with a sea turtle. Our conversation went like this:

Me: Oh! Damn! A SEA TURTLE!!!

Sea Turtle: Christ.

And the sea turtle swam away. It was a moment. But other than sea turtles we saw puffer fish and tangs and...just watch Finding Nemo...most of those guys, but not CGI.

So now I must lie down. We invaded the waters of Oahu, and are claiming victory. But be warned...there will be more action.

Mahalo.

Happy Birthday Charlie Dodge!!!

08-28-08 was Charlie's 8th Birthday. So what did we do? We let her experience a little PINEAPPLE EXPRESS! And let me tell you, she went for a ride...

I don't know what any of you might have been thinking, but I'm referring to that charming little choo choo train that chugs around two miles of Pineapple crops at the Dole Pineapple Plantation. Hmmm, Pineapple. Interesting factokalu (Hawaiian Fact) #1:

PINEAPPLES AREN'T HAWAIIAN. That's right. They're Brazilian. Legend has it that they found their way to the islands via a Spanish shipwreck. But the mix of the fresh ocean breeze and the reddish volcanic-mixed soil made Pineapples really kick some serious ass around these parts. Good for them!

We also tackled the world's largest maze, and were supposed to find the hidden markers that had little shapes you could stencil onto your ticket. At first Chase tried to just take off on a path all her own, completely uncaring that she could instantly lose us. She felt she knew where to go.

But after twenty minutes both kids started to panic we were making them "hike" again, so we all four resolved to give up. In Chase's words, "I didn't ask to do this Daddy. I didn't ask to do this..."


While lost in the maze, aside from fearing that whatever we touched might take us directly to Lord Voldemort, we did happen to run into the largest snail I've ever seen in my life. I told the kids not to make eye contact, for I was certain it was carrying a firearm.

After sampling from chilly Pineapple ice cream in Pineapple Juice we Pineappled our Pineapples out of there... to take on the Polynesian Cultural Center.

The layout affords visitors to experience a "village" from each of the Polynesian Islands...and the entire place is run by BYU. Factokalu #2:

Seventy percent of the employees at the PCC are current BYU students. What?

Activities were abundant. Demonstrations rotund. And it was really cool to experience the wide swath of Polynesian Cultures all in one gulp. The only odd thing was that every cultural presentation, which was thoroughly comprehensive with history and politics and social structure, was totally devoid - I mean no evidence whatsoever - of any historical religious markings whatsoever. I wonder why...

This was a picture that Charlie took with her own Camera when she and Chase went off on their own for a craft activity. Tiffany and I found this on her camera later.

The girls were officially worn to a nub. And we hadn't even tackled the Luau yet!

We Luaued at the PCC. The show was something straight out of a time warp from the Catskills. Some guy who called himself "Uncle Benny" pops up onstage while we are all jawing wildly at roast pig and poi and he proceeds with Ukelele backed impersonations of everyone from Elvis to Tiny Tim to Louis Armstrong. In between his shtick some underage Hula Dancers would perform and then he'd shoo them offstage with lots of overplayed saccharin, "Ahh Cousins, doesn't Hawaii just grow the cutest kids?"

But then, at the very end of the show...I mean the last two minutes...Uncle Benny hauls into this wild, satanic inspired Ukelele performance that would put any professional guitarist to shame. He had voodoo in his fingers. He turned into a Ukelele Jimmy Hendrix, playing wicked and fast and accurate, then doing the same thing behind his head, then under his leg, then with his teeth. The guy was a Ukelele miracle. Which left me thoroughly disoriented and chewing on my sleeve. It was like watching that funny vendor at a baseball game with the vacant look in his eyes suddenly cold cock a few fans out of the way to get to the field and then hit a homer. Why hadn't he done this from the beginning? Wouldn't everyone rather see Uncle Benny go up there and tear it up instead of baring the brunt of bad impressions and outdated cheese whiz? Uncle Benny, you can do so much more!

After the Luau the girls looked like two prisoners of war on a long march: delirious, exhausted, practically beginning for the fun to stop. But we hadn't even gotten to the show yet!

The show was called HORIZONS and was all about all the various island cultures and their dancing and yelling...by the way, that's what I appreciate most about the island cultures...they love to yell...and I don't mean HEY EARL CAN YOU PASS ME THE GODDAMN SALT? I mean, they yell as if they are linemen in the NFL. HHOOOOOORAAAAR!!! Wild eyed. Tongue waggling. Honest and insane. I love it. I've resolved to do it more in my day to day life. I think it will be a noticeable change for the better.

So yes, stomping and yelling and hip swanking and hula dancing...and all the while both girls' heads were lolling on their shoulders with their eyes stuttering back into their respective, exhausted sockets. Tiffany and I would exchange glances that essentially said, "Look, so sweet, they've had such a great day they can't take any more...our little angels." Then we would vigorously shake them awake. "HEY! HEY! YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT! FIRE! FIRE! YOU CAN'T MISS THE FIRE! IT'S FIRE! HEY! WAKE UP! FOCUS!

True to their spirit, Charlie and Chase came-to just long enough to see all the fire action. And nobody left the show feeling burned.

ALOHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I'm lying in the hotel room with the girls - Chase in one bed with me and Charlie snuggling with Tiffany in the other. Aloha time is 11:25 but my computer's flipping me the double bird in the lower right hand corner by saying 2:25am. My head is spinning. My calves ache. I have an ice headache from chomping on hotel ice. Because who knows what kind of "poku poku" the hotel water will wreak on my intestines - so I stick with the ice from the machine - ice which I've convinced myself is of course double charcoal filtered...of course. Even though I'm exhausted I am thinking about today.

But let's start with last night. Best flight I've ever had in my life. Smooth. Pleasant. Wonderful. I love Hawaiian Airlines. Mahalo. Charlie ended up having about an hour long conversation with a woman who from the sound of it is a literal world traveler. At one point Charlie whips out one of her favorite stuffed animals she brought along with her and told the woman all about it. Next thing you know, the woman pulls out of her backpack her own set of stuffed animals she says she brings with her wherever she goes. It was a delightful moment to eavesdrop on.

We get in and are instantly pooped, but grab some room service anyway. The only reason why room service is noteworthy is because we ordered a hamburger patty topped with a fried egg on a bed of gravy smothered spam fried rice. The name for it escapes me. But boy oh boy, food of the heavens!

This morning's mission, attack Diamond Head. We hiked. You didn't read wrong, we hiked. Now, I don't know how many of you are familiar with Diamond Head. But it's a long dead volcano with a hiking path that leads you to a view of the island unequalled anywhere. So you drive right into the crater, get out of your car, and start hoofing it up this cement path. But soon enough, this cement path turns into what I believe is simply a path of uneven, swirling carved lava. No single step was the same all the way up. And most importantly, NO SHADE. Anywhere. And because you are inside the crater, very little ocean breeze. Sweat is what we did. Huge dribbles of sweat. In my eyes. I was heaving for breath so bad I was inhaling sweat through my nose. And the sunblock slash bug repellent I slathered my forehead with was now melting into my eyes. But even I found that comical to the point where the searing pain of my orbs just made me chuckle.

So the path leads the unfortunate souls up the inside lip of the volcano to these old lookout batteries that were used in World War II. But it's a long one, filled with switchbacks galore, complimented with three different sets of stairs, each with about three hundred thousand or so steps, more or less. On one set of steps Chase took one look and just said, "No. You are going to carry me." I would have refused but she made it to that point without much resistance (although I did have to give her a few "Kapus" on the way up for whining.) Thus I agreed to carry her up the set of stairs. There were 99 steps on that set of stairs. 99. That's NINETY NINE STEPS carrying my four year old in my arms. To her credit she did take three of those steps on her own. So 96 STEPS CARRYING MY DAUGHTER. When I got to the top I lost all sense of communication. A woman at the top who was coming back down saw me and remarked, "That was incredible." I would have loved to have thanked her with a smile but that would have just released a flood of flying drool and hot breath, so I grimaced in pained gratitude.

Following the stairs was a cave with the width to accommodate one and a half people. The cave was over a hundred yards or so...and it was low. "Claustrophobes" beware! But we finally wound up a rickety old metallic staircase and BOOM we were right in the lookout battery. And the breeze came and kissed us all hello. Actually it was more like making out with me because I was gasping so hard with such a wide open mouth. We crawled out of the lookout to an even higher point which was wonderful, and I have to say, WORTH IT. And I appreciated the rich irony of watching some tourists from Japan looking out through the bunker out into the ocean, and thinking that it wasn't but a mouthful of years earlier some American G.I.'s, eyes agape, were on the lookout out for the Japanese, ready to sound the alarm.

I wondered if ever there was ever a conversation between two bored G.I.'s, late one night during the war, "Hey Earl, you know what I think? Years from now there are gonna be tourists that will climb up here and stand here right where we're spitting and farting and telling dirty jokes. And I bet...I bet some of the tourists are even going to be the Japanese! That's right! Because one day the Japanese are gonna be our allies. AND...and...one day we are gonna pay four dollars for coffee and phones will be smaller that this here ammo box...NO THEY WILL YOU WATCH AND SEE...and we'll have something called a TIVO- No no...it's English.. and we just won't be able to live without it!"

I must admit the hike down was much faster, and more entertaining. Watching all the beet-faced people walking past us on their way up, huffing with extreme trepidation. So much doubt in their faces about whether they will even make it to the top. You could read it on everyone's expressions, "I FLEW ALL THIS WAY TO THIS DAMN ISLAND AND EVEN THOUGH I'M ABOUT TO STROKE OUT I AIN'T SLOWING DOWN!"

Charlie was a champ the whole time. Maybe because she was having fun, or maybe because she saw what would happen had she decided to get whiny (cite: CHASE-KAPU in earlier paragraph.)

Rewarding ourselves with shaved Ice we then kind of found our way into the ALA MOANA mega mall by accident, had lunch, then passed out in the hotel room for a nappy nap.

Upon waking up the Dodge Four tackled the beach. Charlie victoriously swam out into the waves by herself...practically making her father raise the tide to dangersous levels all by himself with tears of pride. This act made Chase all the more daring, wading in pre-tty deep with Mom, until a little sassy Waikiki wave just came and took her out. That was it for her. Game over. Case closed. Chase doesn't like waves anymore. "They're salty"...says she... No more going into the water...


At least until tomorrow.

Mahalo.