CRUISIN'

So as we cruise away from Juneau, the capital city of Alaska, known to have one of the ugliest capital buildings of all the fifty states, I keep thinking back to a T-shirt I saw this old fart wear on the day we departed Seattle. It said, “Shut Up and Fish.” I have to admit, I thought it was a very stupid fucking T-shirt. I mean, really. What a smartass of a T-shirt. But I keep thinking maybe there is a deeper meaning than, “Hey, shut the fuck up and put your hook in the water.” Maybe it’s kind of like a “Carpe Diem” type thing. Sht up and catch a Carpe Diem. (High Hat.)

So are we seizing the moment with this cruise? Are we making the most of our precious vacation time and money? Those were my fears when we booked this thing. I was afraid I would look back upon it and just think it was a monumental waste of time and money. I feared it would do nothing but tease me for more access to the sights it was taking me to.

The first two nights were spent sailing hard and fast up to Alaska. So we had no choice but to “boat” it up. The kids, at first reluctant to enlist in the kiddie programmed stuff- CLUB CARNIVAL- were instant converts. In fact, I think they’ve spent more time at club carnival that with us! If not more, than damn close. Tiffany and I just relaxed. I would have blogged earlier but internet time is about as expensive as gold on this cruise. Not to mention, I am just constantly sleepy. I don’t know why it never occurred to me before that this ship is a floating resort of sorts. Some of the amenities are rather nice. For example, our amazing view out of our balcony. It is literally on the water. And the sunsets and ocean air have been awesome and restorative. Other amenities have been just jammed packed with Wisconsin Cheese, directly aimed at, I believe, old people who have pretty much given up trying for anything more in life.

“Elegant Evening” happened without us. But we watched the parade of people in their glittery, sequinsy best lining up for the main dining hall to dine with the captain. Tiffany and I hit the buffet. Tiffany thinks the food has always been good, by the way. In my mind the food has been gradually improving as we’ve been going along. Maybe I’m just being brainwashed. But now I like the food. Nom.

After elegant evening everyone is encourage to take these studio-type photos, posing in front of backdrops of the cheesiest nature...waterfalls, snowy peaks, library books. Couples were encouraged to hold each other in poses I haven’t seen since the Sears portrait department circa 1978. You could pose with stuffed baby seals or bear cubs. They even offered old timey photos where you could dress up as gangsters with tommy guns. I tried to persuade Tiffany to pose with me blindfolded on my knees begging for my life while she angrily held a tommy gun to my head, but she didn’t want to. Now THAT would have been a photo keepsake.

Finally we reached Tracy Arm, a Fjord that ended with a glacier. All along we glided past small icebergs. Now, THAT is definitely something everyone should see. ESPECIALLY FROM YOUR OWN BALCONY! I never thought I could ever claim to have watched icebergs in only my underwear. And now I can! I admit, doing things in my underwear seems to be very important to me. But I digress. The ice, due to eons of intense pressure, takes on this pure, crystalline blue color. It was awesome. Even my underwear thought so.

The next day we hit our first port, SKAGWAY. From Skagway, I climbed into a jeep and via CB, we caravaned our way out of Alaska, into the Yukon Territory of Canada...and went OFF ROADING. (When Charlie first learned that I was going to be driving, she exclaimed with concern, “Wait, YOU’RE GOING TO BE DRIVING OFF ROAD?!” Well, we survived, and Charlie and Chase had quite a good time munching on Reindeer Jerky (beef jerky made from Reindeer- that’s right, fuck you, Rudolph!) and salmon pate at our half way point on the mountain.

The downtown area of Skagway reminded me of Tijuana. They didn’t have donkey shows, but it was an eight block stretch of cheap tourist spots selling everything that wasn’t nailed down. One thing I realized is that every cruise port has about three billion jewelry stores specifically targeted towards what I imagine to be cruise rubes who have been fluffed and primed all cruise long into thinking that jewelry made from Tanzanite, Blogmonite, Orangomite, Whateverite is actually the smart investment of the future. Our cruise has a “shopping specialist” with her own TV channel, and she prattles on and on and on about what looks to be the cheapest jewelry I’ve ever seen. In addition, the cruise holds mini seminars about buying jewelry and “the secrets to collecting art.” By the way, the ship has it’s own art gallery on board and most works of art on display throughout the ship are indeed for sale. I learned from our off road guide that every cruise line has it’s OWN jewelry store at every port as well. The cruise fattens up the cows and gets them ready for slaughter. This is an aspect of cruise life I didn’t know existed.

That being said, there are many coupons for free stuff that we have enjoyed. So maybe if the cruise was just a few days longer I’d find myself wild eyed and elbowing someone’s walker out of the way to pick up the hottest Tanzanite whale tail charm bracelet in Juneau!

Which brings me to Juneau. I like Juneau. They have the “downtown” area directed at tourists... but I found the best crab shack in all of Alaska and the lower 48- Tracy’s King Crab Shack. I had Dungeness (King Crab is for those with few tastebuds, in my opinion.) OH YUM I LOVE TRACY’S KING CRAB SHACK! Oh wait... I’m jumping the gun. We went river rafting.

CLASS 3, YO! With the kids. We SHOT the Mendenhall. Before the river though, we were able to raft right up to an iceberg that had broken off from the immense glacier about a mile away and boy was it amazing. Who would want cheap jewelry when they have set their eyes on such naturally created beauty? Charlie reminded me of a turtle keeping its head in its shell the whole time her face was buried in her lifejacket, with only her button nose and glasses sticking out.

After Juneau, as soon as we were back on the boat the kids were off for more fun at Camp Carnival, and Tiffany and I had a very bizarre dinner. As we were mid bite in the dining room, all of a sudden a hip hop song came on and all the waiters and staff started dancing- some with each other and some pulling diners out of their chairs to dance. But the diners...looked as if they were waiting for it! Apparently this has happened every night, and we just happened to miss it. So Tiffany and I just sat their, forks frozen in the air, and watched the wait staff bumping and grinding with the diners to a song normally reserved for strip clubs.

The next morning we invaded Ketchikan- I’m probably off on the spelling. We hit the Saxman Indian village, watched an Indian dance and Chase happily got her fill of totem poles. We were supposed to watch a loggers show, but at the last minute we unanimously decided to sell off our tix and spend the rest of our time shopping. And that’s where I think the name came from, you are there for approximately six hours and everyone is dashing around catching as much loot as they can before they have to get back on the boat.

Right now as I type this I’m outside on my balcony with the green sea rushing past me. I’m in heaven. Tonight we get to Victoria, but I’m not going to blog about Victoria. I actually feel sad that our vacation is coming to an end. Both Tiffany and I have been struggling for the past day to keep our minds away from Los Angeles, and it’s been hard. I want this ocean view forever. I want more fun time with my girls. I don’t want our vacation to be over. So, I guess it all has been worth it, because I miss it already. I guess we have made the most of our time. We did shut up and caught as many carpe diems as we could. And I can’t wait to do it again.

FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN...

So we are churning our way to Alaska via the Carnival Spirit. I had super low expectations about this whole thing. I've never been on a cruise before and just expected it to be a mass of old people stuffed in every other corner of the ship stuffing their maws with food. And guess what? It is. However, I am having a blast. There is an energy on the boat that I like. I like our balcony view of the open ocean. I like the rocking back and forth at night while sleeping. I like seeing my girls in a bunk bed. So far the food and booze hasn't blown me away...which most people I spoke to before just glowed about the food...not sure what that was about. The booze is present and I am making sure to enjoy it, but it comes at a premium...as it always does.

I didn't expect so much salemanship on board during the cruise. No, not sailsmanship, but salesmanship. Everwhere I turn there is someone selling wine, ("Wine for the price of Water!) cigarrettes at duty free prices, jewelry, even photos of Alaska for $1.99. The boat is a floating swapmeet.

The girls are just beginning to rev up with the activities. Charlie is super gung ho. Chase is reserving her opinion until later. Although yesterday they had a blast going down the water slide about three billion times.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76rmXyl-VP8

BTW, Chase was just listening to WILL YOU STILL LOVE ME TOMORROW and thought that the "Sha na na na" part was signing, "Shu-hu-hut-Up Shu-hu-hut-Up!" Awesome.

Space Needle Mexican Jumping Beans

So as we were flying from Los Angeles to Seattle Chase looks out the window of the plane and asks,

"So that bump in the wing...that's where they keep the bombs and the machine guns?"

Tiffany and I looked at her... "What?"

"That's where the airplane keeps the bombs and the machine guns, right?"

Apparently, Chase thought that every plane that flew in the air was armed to the teeth and ready for bomb dropping and war. After we explained to her that no... most planes are not armed and that those bumps were merely part of the plane that helped it fly... she seemed disappointed. BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE THERE WAS SO MUCH MORE FUN TO LOOK FORWARD TO!

Seattle is just phase one of "Funathon 3000, 2010." Phase Two is a cruise to Alaska. But that's for later...

We landed in Seattle in the early afternoon, traveling with our Aunt Debby, who is the world's number 1 fan of the city of Seattle. After we situated ourselves in the hotel, we immediately tackled the Space Needle for a little nighttime city viewing. Damn, Seattle is beautiful.

The next day, we went right back! (We had a nifty coupon) to see what Seattle looks like so high up...during the day. Is it me or is Seattle brighter during the day than at night? Anyhoodle, we then shadooped over to the very nearby Music Experience and the Scifi museum. Now I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one who got anything out of these two places. And both of them tapped into deep wells that hold most things that I love. On exhibit at the music experience- oh nothing, just JIMMY HENDRIX'S GUITARS AND NOTES AND JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE JIMMY HENDRIX. After I finished hyper-ventilating and slapping myself, I tried to explain Hendrix's importance in music history to the girls. After all this passionate explaining I asked Charlie, "Do you think you get who he is?" Charlie responded with, "Not really." Oh well, one day... one day. Rest assured...one day.

Right in the same sweeping super structure that holds the music experience (that is very reminiscent of the Disney Hall in Los Angeles) we hit the Scifi Museum and Hall of Fame. Let me tell you..."Nerd Nerd Nerd...Nerd is the Word." Everything you'd ever want to see... original prints of MAN IN THE HIGH CASTLE... Planet of the Apes props. Robots. Vintage ray gun toys. Star Wars Toys. The kids were more into this, but nowhere near as much as me. There were a few times I turned to Tiffany to exclaim, "OH MY GOD THIS IS THE ORIGINAL (fill in the nerdy blank) and most of the time I'd just see her shaking her head at me. Oh well, again.

After I was finished nerding out we went to the Kids Science Center and GUESS WHAT? They had the wax souvenir mold machines that the Los Angeles Zoo used to have. This made me extremely happy- as I had recently taken the girls to the zoo with grandiose stories of waxy goodness...only to find out the the zoo had become the enemy of fun and gotten rid of all of them. But the Kids Science Center had them.

While at the Science Center we also caught a LASER show! That's right. But that's not all... a laser show to BEATLES MUSIC. So Hendrix Guitars...then Scifi Museum...then wax machines...then a laser show to the Beatles! You'd think it was almost my birthday and not Charlie's.

Chase did fall asleep while lying on the floor of the laser dome. I did for a minute, too. Charlie was kind enough to wake me up with a "DAD, YOU'RE SNORING!" I honestly think it was just too much fun for my brain to handle all in one day. But I remained awake for the rest of it. It was awesome to be lying on the floor, watching lasers zip and zag and waggle with my two girls, even if one of them was asleep.

Today we hit the Seattle Aquarium, did a harbor tour, tackled Elliot's Oysters (YES.) and then meandered to Pioneer Square that had the coolest toy store in the world called MAGIC MOUSE TOYS. So much fun.

And if that wasn't enough Aunt Debby brought us to a shop called "Ye Old Curiosity Shop" that had real shrunken heads and two mummified bodies- one of which was found in the Arizona desert from the late 1800s...found naked with a bullet hole in his stomach. But the place also sold fudge.

Aunt Debby was kind enough to buy some Mexican Jumping Beans for the girls, which are still delighting them with every little spasm and jerk they make. Now, however, Charlie has discovered that they are indeed larvae inside of a seed shell...and she's growing concerned for their well being. It's funny that as a parent you spend so much time teaching your kids to be sensitive and gentle with the creatures of the world...but there's always some point, with some creature, that you end up saying, "Listen, it's just a damned bug. Enjoy it, then throw it away when it stops wiggling." Okay....not that harsh...but nearly. Heh heh.

Being in Seattle with Aunt Debby has been very special. I know the girls have cherished every moment of it, and Tiffany and I have, too. We don't get to vacation that much with family- especially on my side...so this has been a very special memory for all of us.

You know what else has been memorable? All the food. Every meal we've had but the lunch at Elliott's has been us just stumbling into restaurants serendipitously, and eat one has been better than the next. This leaves me to think that Seattle just doesn't have many bad restaurants. Either that or we just have very lucky gastrointestinal organs!

Well, tomorrow we leave on Carnival Cruises for Alaska, and say goodbye to Aunt Debby, who will be hanging out in Seattle for a few more days. It was fun. It was too brief. Seattle, we shall return.

Here is a video on youtube of our seattle visit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W64w3UCZcWs

Second Chances.

Well. What can I say. I guess I'll just lay it out as it happened.

It's been over a year now since we lost Cocoa. Her passing has been a bigger mountain to climb than I ever imagined. Her passing really decimated our emotions. Tiffany vowed to never get a dog again. I always felt that one day a dog would come into our lives. I also felt that both the girls need a dog in their childhood memories. But dogs are commitment. Dogs are work. It's not called a Dog Eat Dog Day Afternoon for nothin'.

And then last night happened. Tiffany asked me if I had seen her post about a dog at the Pasadena Humane Society that desperately needed to be adopted. That the deadline to terminate this animal was last week.

I hadn't seen that post but immediately looked it up. I was angry at myself for missing her post. She, I'm sure, was angry at herself for mentioning it to me because she knew I'd pursue it. And the kicker was, this dog was adorable. But had simply been at the pound wayee too long. Nobody wanted him.

I frantically jotted down the dog's ID number. But by this time it was 1130 at night. The pound was closed. There was no way to know if this dog was alive or dead. So I went to bed with the resolve that I was just going to let the chips land where they may. I'd call in the morning, and if by some incredible chance the pound had not, as promised, put this dog down... well then, we'd have to just go take a look.

But we were supposed to go to Disneyland today with Joyce and family. I told myself, "If it is meant to be then Joyce will cancel Disneyland." Joyce called and cancelled Disneyland.

So I called the pound. The dog was still alive. But the woman on the phone impressed upon me they were just desperate to find a home for the dog. The dog needed a home, NOW.

I walked over to Tiffany. She tried to read my eyes. "He's dead?" "No." So we told the kids what was going on. I thought their eyes were about to just pop out of their heads with excitement. For months both had been campaigning for a dog or cat or something other than animals that have to live in a cage or tank.

At the pound we filled out the paperwork and while waiting for the counselor who would assess whether we'd be good candidates for the dog we walked around a little. Pounds are tough places to be. You feel for every animal. What makes it even worse is when the animals are trying to show you how friendly they are... how wonderful they would be to take home.

While we were waiting we found the pen where the dog in question was. The girls hadn't seen a picture of the dog yet but Chase instantly picked up that this was the beast in question. She looked at me and said, "This one?" I nodded. She nodded back and smiled. We said hello and then walked around some more. Then returned back to the dog. Charlie commented, "Boy, you guys really like this dog, don't you?" Chase explained that this was the dog. And it was instant love.

Everyone, I'd like to introduce our new friend, family member, and sources of I'm sure peaks of both joy and challenge:

Frankie C. Dodge. "Frankie" is short for Frankenstein. "C" is in tribute to the original Pooch herself, Cocoa. "Dodge" is, as most of you could guess if you have known us for awhile, our last name.

While processing Frankie's release, we learned that he's had a tough life up until this point. In January he was brought in with severe wounds from a vicious attack by another dog that needed surgery. After his owners took him home, they returned a week later to give him up. Apparently, the family was losing their home and couldn't keep him. He's been in the pound since January and was scheduled to be put down. But even through all that, Frankie is a sweet, tail-wagging goofball. He needs training, but his enthusiasm will receive it with great heart. As I write this now I still can't get over that nobody has adopted him until us.

I must confess at this point, Ladies and Gentlemen, that I had rules that needed to be met before I would ever get another dog. They were rules that I feel were established when I got Cocoa.

1. Circumstance presents the animal to us. We don't seek the animal. (Just like how we meet most of anyone we love.)

2. The animal is not a purebred.

3. The animal's life most likely depends on whether or not we adopt it.

Well, Frankie qualified to these three requirements 180%. The one uncanny similarity, if you ask me, with Cocoa is that Frankie was listed as a Pit Mix. I think this might have had something to do with why he never got adopted. People who don't want a Pit Bull don't even want a mix, and people who do want a Pit Bull want one that's pure bred. Cocoa was a Chow Mix and whenever anyone realized that it was instant bias and sometimes unfounded fear. The way I see it, every day from this point on that Frankie "is" should be considered pure gravy.

Frankie was a "volunteer favorite" as it was presented to us at the pound. And that was proven as every worker and volunteer in the joint came in and lit up with relief and joy when they realized that we were taking Frankie home. One volunteer even started to tear up.

And I thought that just might be the case with every animal... but I saw another one being processed with just a "greeeat...thanks." But with Frankie it was a practically a grand send-off. I just got the sense that everyone there loved Frankie and were completely stressed knowing that his time was about to run out.

In addition, we didn't have to pay for anything with Frankie. The usual 120 dollar fee for chipping and other costs were covered. The counselor applied a donation made by another person to Frankie's release.

So now we start a new journey together. One that will be admittedly rife with work for us all. But one that is no less exciting because of it. Poor Frankie. He's going to be on youtube frequently.

Wednesday.

My Shoes are too big. I should have known better. But it was just pure stubbornness that led me to this stupid stupid situation. The 11s were too small and I knew the 12s would be wide enough. When I tried them on they slipped a lot on the heel. But I kept them anyway, because I wanted cool hiking shoes. Now, it just feels like my shoes are falling off all the time and I might just throw myself off of Half Dome, screaming, “FUCK THOSE SHOES AND FUCK ME TOO!” All the way down.

But alas, we just got here. Yosemite. Only Tiffany has been before (and that was an RV trip in the dark) so we thought it would be a fantastic little few-day, in-state trip. It looks like we are hitting the season’s G-Spot for Yosemite as well. Fresh snow still on the ground, but Springtime temperatures are what everyone has promised us. Tiffany and I are plotting our plan of attack tonight.

We are staying in the Wawona Hotel. It reminds me of the place where Baby learned to Dirty Dance with Johnny- but it’s even older. No internet (I will be uploading this on Saturday). No cell phone reception. The electrical outlets are only two prong so I can’t charge up anything. My phone is running out of juice and I’m typing this as fast as I can because I need enough computer juice to blog for two more nights- because if I don’t blog the day of, I ain’t bloggin! And I’m already down to 82%! Come on, MACBOOK PRO! YOU PROMISED LONG BATTERY LIFE...SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!

Oh yeah, and no television. But the girls don’t mind.

This morning I woke up to Chase standing before me in my bedroom wrapped in a scarf and knit cap and gloves. She was ready for adventure. Charlie stayed up late last night packing her bag as well (three journals: 1 for “Yosemite” themed entries, 1 for “Personal” entries, and 1 for “taking notes.”)

As we drove past Raymond, Coarsegold, and Oakhurst, my heart ached while my thoughts wandered on about my nephew Richie, and I came away from those thirty miles more resolute than ever that life is just too fucking short to worry about... well... much. So too-big-shoes, fuck you, I’m going to ride you like a three cent burro.

Our journey ended wonderfully as we discovered Yosemite quite blanketed in crystalline snow. Charlie, up until today, still bitterly reminded me of how she didn’t get to go to the snow ONCE all last year... so I think today made up for it. The snow was soft as shaved ice and over a foot deep. The girls squealed and ran around and threw snowballs and got nice and wet and chilled and happy as can be. Today, we lived. But now I’m at 79%! Gotta go!

THURSDAY

I don’t know how my computer went from 79% to 74% without me doing anything...WAIT!, now 73%! Okay, today we tackled the waterfalls of Yosemite. After a hearty breakfast at the Wawona, we packed into the car on our way to Bridalveil Falls. But first, we drove through Tunnel View and WHOA...

...once you exit out of the tunnel through the mountain, the beauty of Yosemite Valley is just UNLEASHED on you all at once. I don’t think I’ve ever had my breath literally taken away by nature before, but this did it. Half Dome in the distance...Bridalveil thundering down nearby. We took oodles of pictures and as we were walking back to the car I kept finding myself looking back over my shoulder for just one more eyeful.

The hike to Bridalveil was nothin! It took fifteen minutes and then we were right in the heart of the refreshing morning mist produced by the waterfall. That was also a new experience for all of us. But as we were walking back down, Charlie kept complaining that the hike was far too easy.

We next scampered to the base of Yosemite Falls. Another easy hike. Charlie kept pushing to take the difficult hike to the top- she wanted a challenge. But we had another waterfall to see.

After lunch, we tackled the hike to Vernal Falls. An “EASY” hike all the books said. .8 Miles. No problem. Charlie was complaining it was wayee too easy before we even took step one. But halfway up, and I mean UP, we were all gasping for air. Charlie and Chase wanted to just turn around and go back down. But I wouldn’t quit, because there was an old man with a cane up ahead that was just kicking our ass! So as I urged everyone on, Chase remarked, “Well let’s go then, so we can get this over with!” Then she’d march on up ahead of us.

I don’t know what it is about all hikes we take. It was this way with Manoa Falls in Hawaii as well. Everyone says it’s short and easy, and it always ends up feeling like a death march! I mean, are we ALL that out of shape? Luckily, I wore a double layer of socks, so my too-big shoes were handling the hike like two champions on my toes. Now, I’m very grateful for those shoes because everything right now in Yosemite- every trail, every walkway, every driveway, everyTHING is just muddy and damp and puddled and soaked with melting snow. The shoes are doing their job.

I was really hoping to continue past the bridge at Vernal Falls to the “MISTY TRAIL” which runs up to the top of the falls for another mile or so, but nobody else wanted to (And my heart probably would have just popped in my ribs if I had tried anyway.) But once we reached the bridge to Vernal Falls we all stopped for seaweed and peanut cookies, and Charlie whipped out her notebook to sketch some birds. Sitting on that rock in the wilderness with all the sounds of the wild around her, sketching away... Charlie reminded me of Darwin. Charlie has a blooming enthusiasm for birds. Before the trip I bought her a guidebook to Common Birds of North America, and she’s had quite a good time spying Yosemite’s feathered friends and noting what they are, then sketching them down.

Shitze!...at 69%! I should be getting off the computer now because I am so exhausted from our day. Okay, so we didn’t trek through the back country. But we saw snow-capped beauty everywhere we looked, and on our way to our activities this morning we saw a coyote on the side of the road.

FRIDAY

Alright. Power is no longer an issue. My blog is no longer in jeopardy, my dear readers, because I spied a three-pronged electrical outlet in the hotel lobby and that’s where I am right now- with Charlie dutifully at my side. She’s working on her notebooks while I refine the blog and type on.

If anyone dare label yesterday’s adventures as the “Day of the Waterfalls” then today was the “Day of the Trees.” Today we visited the Mariposa Sequoia Grove. Ah, but therein lies “the rub.” The road to the Sequoias was CLOSED. Too much snow! So what do you do when you’re in Yosemite and a road is closed but you still want to see something? You walk, naturally. And even more naturally, it was two miles of uphill walking. You’d think that we had learned our lesson yesterday and would just remain in our hotel rooms in fetal position for the day. But nah!

Instead, we chose to take an even LONGER hike than the one to Vernal Falls. True, the two mile journey was ON a road with tall snow embankments, but the incline was cruel. And the trek seemed forever.

We stopped many times, but stopping had its perks, because it gave Charlie plenty of chances to take photos of just about everything. Both girls took every possible opportunity to scoop up some snow and throw it around, as well.

But once we reached the Sequoia Grove we were walking in a virtual winter wonderland. Our trail to the ancient trees was snow covered and from every direction all around us as we walked along were icy brooks of melted snow running downward under snow and fallen trees and mountain reeds. The sound of the forest complimented by impromptu tiny waterfalls and babbling brooks just made every aching muscle worthwhile.

Is it possible to respect a tree? I think so. I think if you’re not feeling something close to that when standing before the 3000 year-old Grizzly Giant, then you’re probably kind of a jerk. It was awe inspiring.

And then oddly opposite that, just fifty yards away, was the California Tunnel Tree, and old tourist attraction where a tunnel has been carved through the ancient tree. And when you walk through the tree every available inch is covered with carved initials and all sorts of other human created bullshit. It was odd. People travel all that way to see a tree just to carve it. Silly humans. That’s probably why you don’t live to be 3000 years-old.

On our way out of the Grove we discovered a wonderful little tiny waterfall where we all took pictures, and happily claimed it for our own. If any of you ever want to visit Dodge Falls, it’s halfway up the trail to the Grizzly Giant, behind a rather young Sequoia. It's a great picture spot. (Editor's Note: Poses were not provoked.)

After making back down from he trail the Dodge Quartet picnicked on the porch of the Wawona, noshing hungrily on sub sandwiches and baked Cheetoh’s and washing all down with Hansen’s Root Beer, Pink Lemonade, and one Sierra Nevada. Then we all went back to the room and completely passed out.

A note about the Wawona Hotel. The shower completely skeeved me out- it is an old timey claw-footed tub and a curtain that runs around its perimeter- making you feel like you are showering in a stranger’s uterus. But that really was my only problem with this nice little spot. The Wawona is a pleasant little place just stuffed with out-of-the-way charm. At night, we go to sleep to the crooning of a family of frogs that have taken up residence in the hotel’s pool that is drained for the season- yet filled halfway with melted snow water. The lobby has board games and crayons. There is a room with a piano player that sings old standards from the 30s from 6 to about 9:30 every night. And the porch is a place where you can just recline in a white wicker lounge chair in peace, and stare to some far off point and let your mind heal from all the daily scars made by life.

And I think overall that is what Yosemite can do for people. It helps them heal. Sure, there is the scrambling around to see all the “this’s and that’s” but all you have to do here is just pick a place. And close your eyes. And listen. And smell. And feel.

SAY 'FUCK NO' to CUSS FREE WEEK!

Legislators will vote on a bill to declare next week California Cuss Free Week. The bill is the alleged idea of South Pasadena High School student McKay Hutch, who started a No Cussing Club at his junior high in 2007- and since has been desperately seeking as much media attention as he can for it.

How obnoxious is this? This kid and his (or his parents') idea are neither commendable nor American.

Firstly, let's all just admit that this is a stunt this boy's parents most likely set him up to do. Or at least, they took the nugget of the idea and set it up for him. Because how many twelve-year-olds do you know that can whip up a media junket for a home-spun cause? None? Was that your answer? Correct. There are none. Because they are twelve. Kids this boy's age don't think like publicists. Unless they're super smart. So is that the case here? Is McKay sharp as a tack? No, because he's using the word "Cuss."

"CUSS" free week? What are we, a bunch of lobotomized bait and tackle junkies who live in Mayberry? Because I love the English language, unlike this wannabe Jr. celebrity, I like to use it accurately. The term is SWEARWORD.

Thirdly, it angers me that children are being told it is acceptable to limit speech. Sure, because the words being limited are swearwords the topic feels safe and moral. But it's still sending the message of, "There are some words you shouldn't be allowed to say... or if you do say them, you're a bad person." The message isn't "Use words responsibly." Because that would require more work to teach the kids.

There are even after school clubs for this thing. What do kids do, sit around and talk about how they didn't use a swearword? What a waste!

Finally, maybe California Legislators should instead be focusing their time on THE MAIN REASON WHY THERE ARE SO MANY CALIFORNIANS WANTING TO USE SWEARWORDS THESE DAYS. Hmmm could it be because of their shitty legislating? GET TO WORK, YOU COLLECTION OF WORMY, FUNDRAISING DO NOTHINGS! WE LIVE IN THE GREATEST STATE IN THE UNION AND YOU RUN IT LIKE A PAWN SHOP.

Swearwords are the ultimate form of expression in any language. They are bracing and strong and effective when used properly. They evoke the purest senses of humor and danger. Every personal hero you ever have had has sworn a blue streak, I promise you.

My daughters can say any bad word they want next week. I fucking promise all of you.

So earlier today we were in the Candyland candy store on Cannery Row in Monterey... Charlie and Tiffany had shuffled off to do some business of their own and Chase and I were the designated S.W.T.A.T. (Salt Water Taffy Acquisition Team.) Chasie and I quickly and efficiently picked out a multitude of wonderful flavors - "Lemon Somethingorother" and "Banana Caramelwhosiwhatsit" and other flavors in the same spirit. We had about a quarter pound worth of chewy happiness in our little check-out basket and were waiting in line for the weigh in slash payment. As I was admiring an Elvis Pez collector set (a Pez head for every phase of Elvis' career- 39.99) I heard a dramatic, tinny crash behind me. Chase had picked up a tin of hard candy and it had opened up on her and scattered all over the floor. The pieces of candy were not individually wrapped and both Chase and I knew exactly what the dozens of pieces of unpaid candy on the dirty floor meant. Or at least I thought we both knew what it meant. I knelt down to stealthily pick up the pieces in an effort to anonymously remove all evidence of said accident. As I was doing this Chase asked me with a tone of shock that was louder than the initial crash, "YOU'RE GOING TO PUT THEM BACK IN THE TIN, DAD?" Flustered and so, so suddenly self conscious, I tried as coolly as I could to laugh her off, "Of course not, don't be ridiculous!" Then I continued to pick up each elusive piece of candy off of the dirty dirty floor. Chase watched me for another beat and then asked even louder - I'm guessing because the notion of her question was so horrifying to even herself- "ARE YOU GOING TO PUT THE DIRTY CANDY SOMEWHERE AND NOT TELL ANYONE?" Now, doubly flustered, I was feeling the full weight of my Cannon Rebel Digital SLR dangling around my neck- especially since I was kneeling and trying to avoid eye contact with other patrons and possibly employees in this place. In fact, the more I cleaned up, the more people had to walk around me and the more I felt like ghostly Bob Marley and with his God Damned digital treasure chest of burden to carry for all-eternity. I removed the camera from around my neck and asked Chase to hold it for me while I continued to hide her crime- while she was trying to expose me for it!

And it was then...just then...that it happened...

Chase was holding the camera. I was trying to pinch up the rest of the stupid hard candy off the stupid floor. I looked up a split second just in time.

To see Chase lose her hold on the SLR.

Now, free of any caretaker, the camera slowly plummeted to earth. And all I could do was watch it go. There was no time for anything but the simple, stupid act of watching. The camera fell at such a beautifully imperfect angle that all but promised an honest destruction. The corner of the lens hit hard first- so hard that the lens cap dramatically popped away and keeerpinged off of a nearby candy stand before sliding like a hockey puck somewhere else in the store-

But I'm going to freeze this moment in time. Let's just keep the camera lens a split second from its full impact, frozen there, angled against the floor. Why? Because it's something that I wished I could have done when all this was happening. Because, afterall, I was on vacation with my beautiful wife and wonderful daughters...

We had blasted off on this trip on the 29th. Two nights in SFO, New Year's in Monterey, and a night in Cambria (where I'm writing this now.) The idea was to take a trip we've sort of taken before, but do things we've never done before.

First item, getting back in touch with family. This is something I've really never done before, that's for sure. After a quick stop at a place called the BRAVO CHEESE FACTORY off Highway 99 (Truth: 99% gift shop and 1% guy in small room in back making cheese) we met up with my long lost nephew Richard and his mother Wendy. I hadn't seen Richard or Wendy since I was about fifteen, maybe younger. To be exact, I had completely lost contact with them for that extent of time, so seeing them was deep, to say the least. We met up in Fresno, at a joint called Tahoe Joe's. Imagine Applebee's meets Claim Jumper. That's Tahoe Joe's. The semi-corny atmosphere, I think, helped keep emotions in check. Richard is now 27 and I feel old. He's a handsome man now and I didn't have the privilege of seeing him grow up. On that day though, I had the pleasure of bringing my past and present together by having him and his mother meet Tiffany and the girls, and it all felt right. But not perfect. For one, his sister Allison didn't make it. We'll have to reconnect again, next time with her as well.

After the reunion, we set off to San Francisco, and got in pretty late. We stayed at the Sir Francis Drake Hotel near Union Square. you know what that means, right? BEEFEATERS FOR DOORMEN!

The Sir Francis Drake had its charms. But it purported to be newly renovated. And the room that we stayed in was clearly not "newly" or "renovated" in any classic definition of those words. The cold water in the sink would only run in a trickle- which made hand washing appear slapstick. The one thing I didn't mind at all though was that the hotel allows dogs. Our neighboring guests howled off and on- which made the girls giggle wildly with amusement.

Day One in San Francisco - DUCK TOUR! Remember Boston? Well, we did it in SFO this time, which we've never done before. This time the tour handed out these quackers that didn't fall silent until the tour was well over with.

After the Duck tour we tackled one of the millions of Italian restaurants off Fisherman's Wharf! Remember that scene in Fantastic Mister Fox where they were all eating ravenously? That was us, but with clam chowder and crab meat. After our hearty meal it was time to tackle our next thing we've never done before- the Academy of Sciences. If you've never gone before I highly recommend it. I can only describe it as a combination of Natural History Museum, Planetarium and Aquarium all under one roof. Really nice. This place even has a full mini rain forest. The most popular sight though was the WHITE ALLIGATOR. Chase kept getting upset at me because whenever she asked why the Alligator was so still I would reply it was because it was waiting for little kids to fall over the railing into its tank.

One thing to note about this place is that parking here was a bitch with a capitol "itch." I think we parked clear across Golden Gate Park from where this fine establishment is located. Which is fine- if you like to walk and stuff.

That night we found this tiny hole in the wall Japanese Restaurant called Katana Ya right near the Tenderloin. Oh man...that spicy ramen. What a special memory, the four of us crammed together at a tiny corner table, slurping up ramen and planning out the next day...

That's right you maggots! Welcome to The ROCK! It may seem surprising that over all the years and times we've been to SFO, none of us had ever been to Alcatraz. We hit the rock early in the morning. The park rangers have this program where if the kids complete an activity booklet while they are there then they get sworn in as "Junior Park Rangers." And they get a badge, which you see above. I have to say that Alcatraz might have had an effect on Chase. Even though it seemed to scare her she couldn't help but to step into a few of the jail cells- and even venture into "the hole." But once she got that badge and, I'm only assuming, felt the full weight of the United States Government behind her...well just look at the photo.

By the way, this is a good point to mention that all of the photos of this trip were taken by Charlie. She really enjoys taking photos and asked if she could use my SLR. Normally I'd just rely on my lightweight system of iphone camera and flip HD cam for photos and whatnot (Who needs a heavy camera around your neck?), but Charlie was intent on taking photos, so I of course obliged- as long as she assured me she'd be the one carrying the camera wherever she went, unless she had to go to the bathroom or tie her shoe or something. Here are some shots that I particularly love:

So after Alcatraz we jumped in the Volvo and made our way to Crissy Park, down by the Golden Gate Bridge. We'd never been there before, yet seen lots of people in photos there. So we decided to give it a crack. Seeing the Golden Gate that close up was something new.

After that we bebopped down to Monterey just in time for a New Year's Eve feast at the Montrio Bistro. (Insert Fantastic Mr. Fox scene again.) If you love yourself you will find your way to this restaurant. Period.

It turns out that Monterey was having a New Year's Eve street fair of sorts called MONTEREY FIRST NIGHT. So the gals and I walked up and down the main drag and ultimately caught a Chinese Dancing Dragon show. There was only one Asian in the troupe- which made the wife and I chuckle. Moreover, the last part of their dragon dance was done to some obscure Roger Plant solo song. But hey, it was something to watch and we had a good time, before we clambered back to the hotel room to get comfy for a quiet and snuggly countdown in front of the TV.

So this morning was all about the Monterey Bay Aquarium. As usual, we enjoyed ourselves thoroughly. The Aquarium as a whole is very diligent in pressing the issue of responsible fish consumption. They pass out these pocket pamphlets called SEAFOOD WATCH which lists which fish are okay to eat and which ones you'd have to be a real jerk to eat. It seems like an odd turn that once you step outside of the Aquarium just about every fish joint on Cannery Row will gladly serve up some of what's on the naughty list of that pamphlet. Ah, tourism.

As I'm typing this I'm thinking about this trip. And even though we did many new things, I don't have any real stand out memories of the places we've been. Instead, I remember things about the girls. On this trip I've noticed their relationship with each other changing. Jokes being shared. (I don't know why but they kept saying the term "TURKEY PANTS" over and over again, then exploding with laughter.) I enjoyed watching them more than any sight I saw on the trip. I wish I could simply travel the world with them, not really to see the world, but just for all the time it would give us together.

Now, back to our frozen moment. With my digital camera. And my frozen agape mouth. And my popping blood vessels. I guess it's time to unfreeze the moment.

CRACK!

I look down at the camera. I can't bear to pick it up. I just know the sound of my camera's rattle broken guts will make me puke. Finally a man walked up to me. He'd been watching the whole thing and couldn't take the suspense. "Is it broken?" He asked. Chase was very quiet. And very still, as if she thought any sudden movement might speed up her demise. "Is it broken?" the man asked a second time but twice as fast. I finally picked up the camera. Turned it on. Took a photo of the annoyed teen behind the register who didn't give a shit about any of this drama. The picture's clear.

"Nope." I said with relief.

"Oh." The man said with disappointment. He walked away. I looked down at Chase. I wanted to yell at first, but instead I just nodded. No harm done. We're on vacation. It's OK.

Just like so much, things get dropped...banged up...but it will all work out somehow in the end.