W.O.C. (War on Christmas): SALVATION ARMY SANTA IS A CHRISTMAS IMPOSTOR - WHO YOU GIVE TO SAYS A LOT ABOUT WHO YOU ARE.

So now is the season. Now is the time. As we urgently dart from store to store, elbowing other shoppers and shoving our molten credit cards into the starving mouths of store clerks, we hear that "ting-a-ling-a-ling" in the distance. And then we all proclaim, "Ah right! Salvation Army Santa wants my loose change. No problem."

BUT I SAY HALT! STOP! DO NOT PULL YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR POCKET! DO NOT GIVE YOUR MONEY TO THAT BEARDED CRETIN!

THE SALVATION ARMY SANTA IS AN IMPOSTOR TO THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS. He's a fraud, a bastard, a bluffer and a cheat. That is, if you truly believe that the spirit of Christmas is about peace and togetherness.

Through the years the Salvation Army has been aggressive and unapologetic in it's anti-gay and pro-Christian politics.

The Salvation Army advocates against imposing "the category of sexual orientation to the list of anti-discrimination protections" by states and cities as well as against "equal benefits to domestic partnership".

The Salvation Army also does not hire people who are known to be gay and fires those who are gay when legally allowed to do so.

The Salvation Army states on its website, "Scripture forbids sexual intimacy between members of the same sex. The Salvation Army believes, therefore, that Christians whose sexual orientation is primarily or exclusively same-sex are called upon to embrace celibacy as a way of life." Jesus...who wants that?

And guess what? They do the exact same with employees or applicants who don't share the same religious beliefs.

"Hey, it's their club...they can decide how they want to play- be it right or wrong." you say. But here's the rub: nearly $300 Million (with a capitol M) of our very hard-to-come by tax dollars are funding them every single year. That instantly turns their club that doesn't like to play fair into an institution that is just damned downright UNAMERICAN!

So here's the tally: Anti-Gay. Anti-anything but Jesus. Anti-American. That is some charity.

Donating to the Salvation Army this season- ESPECIALLY in the times we live in where every dollar that we give truly means something because we all have fewer dollars, says a lot about who you are. It says that you agree with all of the above. Don't get sucked into the Salvation Army's charity sob stories, because there are worthy charities that don't endorse exclusion and hate nearly everywhere else you look.

Ho Ho Ho. Ting-a-ling.

XMAS DISNEYLAND

Just spent the day at the most Christ-less Christmas spot in all the world...DISNEYLAND! And it was everything Christmastime is supposed to be. Giant Christmas Tree sans religious angel on top. Giant ornaments! Giant snowflakes! Giant marching wooden soldiers marching in a giant parade that crescendos with Santa Clause HO HO HOing a happy a-religious Christmas. Giant pictures of giant Christmas things you can buy for giant prices! Oh, and Mickey Mouse! Not a single nativity in sight. No baby Jesus. No wise men. The only guiding light comes from the small world ride- which is completely Christmased out. And what songs do they sing? Jingle Bells and Deck the Halls. No lyrics about falling to your knees or joying to the world because your lord has come. It's about peace in the world and celebrating togetherness through singing dolls. And we all know deep down that peace on earth and celebrating togetherness, with or without singing dolls, can't be achieved as long as people are falling to their knees and demanding others fall to their knees because the lord has come.

Jingle Jingle Jingle!

IT'S TIME TO WAGE WAR ON CHRISTMAS!

I'm ready to wage War on Christmas. I like Christmas. I like the term "Christmas." I don't want to take "Christ" out of the word "Christmas" because "Happy Holidays" isn't specific enough and the sound of "Christ" sounds so round and full...such as when I exclaim, "Jesus H.M.S. CHRIST!!!" See? It's fun. And I like Christmas Trees. Mainly for the smell, but I also like the idea that Christmas trees are a human tradition older than...well, the story of Jesus. I like Santa Claus- but let's get real. Santa Claus is hardly a religious icon, aside from the very weak attempt to link him to a religion via his name. He's magical, powerful, has minions and bribes kids. And he doesn't forgive "bad kids." He just puts them on a list. Not very Christ-like. Let's get real. Christmas isn't just for christians. Christmas has evolved, you know, become more intelligent. The ideas of sharing time with family and appreciating peace and the season is the main focus now, not celebrating the birth of a made up biblical superhero. Oof...there's that word again. I wrote it a few sentences back. "Evolved." "Evolution." Sorry people who don't believe in science. But Merry Christmas anyway.

TEN THINGS I'M GOING TO DO ON MY BIRTHDAY

Since today is my birthday, I figured, why not OWN it! So here is a list of things I aim to do today on my birthday. I hope it inspires everyone to do the same on their birthday.

TEN THINGS I'M GOING TO DO ON MY BIRTHDAY

1. Wake my wife up this morning by whispering a creepy falsetto rendition of "Happy Birthday to me!"

2. Drink an ounce of beer for every year I've been alive.

3. Go to Disneyland without my kids. Then take pictures and show them later.

4. Whenever a "cast member" wishes me a happy birthday, respond with "Fuck Yeah...oh ho ho fuck yeaaaah."

5. Go to the Carnation Baby Center at the end of Main Street and request my complimentary birthday breast-feeding.

6. Play my electric guitar and then kick something over- preferably something unbreakable.

7. Point out to someone that I've survived on this world longer than Jesus did, again.

8. Demand my wife jump out of a cake in her birthday law-suit. (she's a lawyer) HIGH-HAT!

9. Accuse some kid, probably one my own, of being an ungrateful whipper snapper. Because really, I had it tougher.

10. Force my wife to applaud and encourage others around us to applaud after everything I say.