Expelliarmus Sweatus!

Tonight, the QuaDodge were speeding down highway 4 in a light blue crown vic from the 80s with nothing more than a "For Hire" sign magnetized to the top.  Not "Taxi" but "For Hire."  Inside, there wasn't any "Your Cab Driver is..." type stuff anywhere.  Also, no meter.  Our driver happily told us "Twenty Bucks" right before we got in.  But we were dazed and exhausted...and we simply hoped for the best...

But how did we end up in an unmarked illegal taxi driven by a guy who practically introduced himself to us as "Twenty Bucks?"

Let's go back to yesterday.

Yesterday kicked my ass.  I think yesterday kicked all of our asses.  Yesterday was HARRY POTTER LAND!  Expelliarmus Sweatus!

Harry Potter Land was absobrilliantlutely wonderful.  Located on Universal Studios' "Island of Adventure," we knew it was going to be crowded.  But as with every theme park- money talks.  Tiffany and I resolved to pay Universal's coldly calculated 50 bucks-a-person for their version of a fast pass.  The kicker, though, is that they are only good for each ride once.  But I'm telling you, it was worth it.  Because without that wisely spent money, we wouldn't have been able to tackle every ride.  Now, I'm not going to go into details for the rides...

The Forbidden Journey is the most amazing ride in existence!  It is so wild that this following notice is posted... 

But I will wax poetic about how finely detailed this place is.  I always assumed that the park would have been based solely on the movie.  But the details of this place were also true to the books as well.   It was sort of beautiful in many ways.  If you love Harry Potter (If you don't, you're either stubborn or can't read.) then you would adore this place.  

AND THE BUTTER BEER!  Butter beer butter beer....God Damn that butter beer.  It was exactly as I imagined.

And the tourists are maniacs here.  I think many of them think this place is the actual site of historical events.  People were spending just sick gobs of money on stuff- wands, candy, brooms, hats, etc, as if they thought they were really preparing their kids for Hogwarts.  Wands were 30 bucks a pop! Hogwarts robes were 108 bucks!  Yet kids were running around with both.  Crazy.  

But the Island of Adventure had other areas and other attractions...

Dr. Seuss had a land and it was quite grand!   

We went on those rides, just as was planned.  

We spunned a spin on Cat in the Hat,.

We went on flying fish where water was spat.  

We walked and walked and walked around.

We sweated so much, I thought I would drown.   

We walked so much, I begged to be put down.

For Orlando is hot, it's hotter than hell.

It's even hotter than a biggle borg bell. 

Seuss rides were nice, but kind of tame.

So the girls wanted to up their game.

We left Seuss land.  We decided to flee.

And went to Marvel world to get on Spidey 3D...

Alright, enough of that.  I never got my Doctorate in rhyme so I'm not qualified.

We wrung every penny's worth out of our Express Pass tickets.  We hit the Marvel Section...then we hit this odd cartoon land where there was a Dudley Do-right log ride.  Right?  Strange.  Then we did ole' Jurassic Park.  Kerploosh.  Raaar.  We got very wet.

And then we went back to Harry Potter land for more butter beer and rides.

By the end of the day, we were all broken in half from all the fun.  Two solid days of Theme Parkery in Orlando's unforgiving weather oppression had sapped all of us.  As we left Harry Potter Land the reprise music from the third film's end credit sequence was finishing...it was the perfect farewell.... 

And that's why this morning we were all creaky when we rose out of bed.

But Disney's Wild Animal Park was calling...

And damn it was hot again.  Simply put, I looked like a leaky boat walking around.  The animals looked upon me with disgust.  There were only a handful of rides.  One of them was an amazing roller coaster involving the Yeti.  Backwards, and in the dark.  No, I'm not describing the Christian Right.  I'm talkin' about this Yeti ride.  A-Mazing.

But I have to say I kept thinking over and over today about how, more than all of the rides, I am appreciating these moments with Tiffany and the girls.  It's just a damn shame that most days out of the year we are simply pushing along together.  But during vacation time, we are actually learning ABOUT each other.  Simply because alllll of the daily bullshit is set aside for a awhile.  It's pure treasure.  It makes me happy and remorsefull all at once.

But all the family bonding in the world can't undo the damage all this fun is wreaking on our bodies.  Ultimately, exhaustion effects one's state of mind...and that's how we ended up...well...

It was almost ten p.m. tonight by the time the QuaDodge (sweaty, sticky, sore, chaffed, exhausted, blistered, somewhat limping- and that was only me!) had stumbled around the parking lot of Disney Hollywood...all the way to the "taxi" driver section.  We didn't even go to Disney Hollywood today-that's where we are going tomorrow.   When we were done with the Wild Animal Park we bussed to Downtown Disney for dinner, and then in a strange turn of events we ended up like wandering refugees desperately trying to get to the promised land.   From Downtown Disney we took an hour long bus ride, then a boat, and finally realized we had to take a taxi instead of trying to get to catch two more buses back to our hotel...  The joke of it all is that all of these parks aren't that far from one another....In aforementioned parking lot we came across all the drivers were clustered together, shooting the breeze and waiting for tourists who needed to go home.  Before we were even across the crosswalk one of the drivers broke off from the group and called to us, "Taxi?  Taxi"  Then another stepped forward and said, "No, I will take you!"  Then they started arguing in some language I couldn't recognize and finally one of them just led us to his car...

But we made it to the hotel, safe and sound.  Should we have insisted on a driver who wasn't simply trying to hustle up a living?  Maybe.  But I can't feel my body.  Or rather, I can feel ALL of my body.  

Now, I must shower and apply all sorts of ointments to my everything...