THE TRUTH ABOUT FLYING REINDEER

Here is a great quick seasonal read for all.
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The Truth About Flying Reindeer
By
Horatio Duncan

Here’s a question that everyone gets asked at least once in their life, “Do you like Christmas?” Most people answer “Yes.” Some say “No.” But it can be said that for the most part most everyone enjoys Christmas – even if it’s just a little bit.
Christmastime is all about giving and taking, nogging and noshing, partying and celebrating. It’s all about snow, or no snow, lights or too many lights, Santa and his Reindeer and snowmen – or snowwomen, because we do, after all, live in a civilized age.
But this story doesn’t cover all of those things. This story only deals with one element of the barrage of Christmas joys:

Flying Reindeer.

If you think about it, and I hope you do, flying reindeer are the most important part of Christmas, are they not? Without Reindeer, Santa would have to cross the globe in one, single night either on foot, pogo stick, or bus. And we all know that nobody - not even Jolly old St. Nick – can make it to every house in the world in one night by foot, pogo, or bus – especially by bus!
No, Santa relies on flying reindeer. Not regular reindeer, but only those of the flying variety. Because anybody who knows anything about regular reindeer knows full well that if they were asked to pull a sleigh around the world (even by Santa) they would just give a grumpy snortle and walk back into the woods. No, flying reindeer are what makes Santa Claus so wonderful. They pull his sleigh full of presents and get him to where he needs to go. And it should be pointed out here that they do it without using a single drop of Gas, and are completely friendly to the environment.
But who gets all the credit? Santa, that’s who! Oh sure oh sure, there’s the story of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer - but that was just a song and a story made up by a department store to get more people interested in buying things for the holidays. There’s no such thing as Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! COME ON, THINK ABOUT IT! A RED NOSE? HOW PURPOSTEROUS!!! Everyone knows that flying reindeer noses are all black. And you can bet your candy canes that no flying reindeer that’s ever been or ever will be would walk around with the name RUDOLPH. Blech!
Here’s a question… Have you ever written a letter to a flying reindeer, asking him or her to please stay healthy so that Santa can make it on Christmas Eve? NOPE. Besides that foolishness with Rudolph the fake nosed reindeer, are there any songs about flying reindeer? NOPE! Even in the Rudolph song, all the other Reindeer were described as jerks that wouldn’t let Rudolph join in the fun. Everyone knows real flying reindeer are very generous.
So now you are going to find out about what flying reindeer are really all about. THE TRUTH. The truth about flying reindeer, and how they change the lives of at least one family every Christmas. (So take that, Rudolph!)
First, let’s look at the difference between a flying reindeer and a regular reindeer. There’s all sorts of differences! For one thing, flying reindeer have a species name all to their own. They are called Fliegen. And Fliegen can do so many more magical things than just fly up in the sky. Fliegen have the ability to communicate with people. Not just anybody, mind you, only those who have the born talent to speak Flie- which is an unknown animal language that can’t be taught. People can only be born already knowing how to speak and understand it. Santa Claus is one of those people.
If a shooting star crosses across the night sky at the moment a reindeer is born, they instantly become a Fliegen. As you can deduct, these two events don’t happen at the exact same moment very often. That is why Fliegen are so rare and special. You won’t be seeing a Fliegen walking down the street any time soon, that’s for sure.
Fliegen and regular reindeer don’t really get along. When a Fliegen is born from a regular reindeer, other Fliegen adopt it and raise it as their own. This may seem sad, but it is better for the baby Fliegen. There is too much jealously among regular reindeer.
A Fliegen’s diet consists of snowbarb- a special wintertime green that grows through the snow, sugarbeets and barley cane. It has recently been discovered that they also are very partial to cheese and, of course, would never turn down an offer of a friendly lick from a candy cane.
When Fliegen are young their coats are pure white. As they grow into adulthood, they shed their white fur to reveal a rich, chocolate coat underneath. The adult males develop antlers as strong as steel and adult females grow a heart-shaped fur pattern on their wide breasts. As mentioned before, every Fliegen’s nose is as black as night, and curiously enough, they all have purple tongues as well.
Fliegen are very generous. If another animal approaches during mealtime, they will happily share their food – even if there isn’t much. The only natural enemy of a Fliegen is the Snowy Titmouse, a gossipy little bird of tremendous annoyance. Since Fliegen don’t like to gossip that much, well - I’m sure you can understand why the two species don’t get along. Fliegen also don’t like to be in the vicinity of nuns. A Fliegen will develop quite a rash if put into close contact with a nun.
Alone, individually, Fliegen, in fact, cannot fly that great of a distance. At most they can glide only a hundred yards or so. But together, Fliegen can easily fly as long and as far as they want. Why is this? Because Fliegen enjoy each other’s company and they enjoy hard work. So, working hard together is the greatest treat to them!
Thanks to many inaccurate stories and just plain obnoxiously incorrect songs, most people believe that Santa has a stable where he keeps his Fliegen. This is just plain false. Fliegen are the most elegant, noble creatures, and they would never, ever allow themselves to be cooped up in some old barn in the north pole! They’re not mules!
The way it works is this: Every year, right after Thanksgiving time, Nik-Klaas (he’s got so many names) leaves his cozy estate in Lapland, Finland. That’s right. The big fella doesn’t live in the North Pole. Have you seen pictures of the North Pole? Nobody could live there…it’s too cold! There isn’t any plumbing or electricity or internet – it’s completely uninhabitable. So, Nik-Klaas puts on a special bright green fur suit then makes the ten day trek from his place to Earfell Forest. Earfell Forest is a massive forest, thick with towering trees of all winter variety, and it is where the Fliegen live. Some believe Earfell Forest to be haunted, but if anyone tells you that, then you know for sure that they aren’t too smart. Forests thrive with life - otherwise they wouldn’t be forests! And how can a ghost be truly happy haunting a place with so much life. The Earfell Forest is no different. Nik-klaas walks to the edge of the forest. He doesn’t ever walk into the forest out of respect for the Fliegen’s personal space. Nik-klaas steps right up to the very edge, then tucks snowbarb and sugarbeets and barley cane into his burly beard, then calls out in Flie to the Fliegen. Now, what he says can’t be translated, but the closest words that resemble what he calls out are,

“Ho ho ho!”

After Nik-klaas calls out for the Fliegen, he kneels down on one knee and lowers his head as a gesture of the great respect that he has for the animals, and remains that way for as long as it takes until one by one, some Fliegen appear. Usually two dozen or so Fliegen show up to greet their friend.
Contrary to another popular falsehood, it is not Santa who chooses his team, but rather the team who chooses Santa. Although they feel that pulling Santa’s sleigh can be tremendous fun, sometimes a Fliegen just isn’t in the mood. So after two dozen or so Fliegen gather at the edge of the forest, the nine that decide they want to help Nik-klaas out that year step forward, lean down, and pull one of the tasty offerings out of Santa’s big beard. Once nine have done so, Santa rises, bows again deeply, turns around and heads home. The Fliegen return to the forest, but know to show up at Nik-klaas’ place on Christmas Eve.
On the morning of Christmas Eve, just as the sun rises, hoofs can always be heard crashing into the snow outside of Nik-Klaas’ house. While they await their departure later that evening, the Fliegen are fed hearty meals of cheese and sugarbeets and snowbarb and barley cane, and giving the highest quality scratches with every minute that goes by. Has it been mentioned yet that Fliegen love a good scratch between the ears? Nik-klaas himself comes out to check on their mood, updates them on the weather, and usually tells them a really good joke about a snowman who likes to eat candy canes.
If you haven’t guessed it already, Nik-klaas is very much loved by all Fliegen. When he was a child, it was a Fliegen that saved him from certain death. And then later, it was Nik-klaas who grew Earfell Forest for them to seek refuge in back during the days when nuns were trying to run them out of existence. But all that is to be told another time.
Once nightfall arrives, Nik-klaas’ assistants gently harness all nine Fliegen to the loaded sleigh. Nik-klaas comes out a final time, stands before them in his bright red fur suit, and kneels deeply to say “Thank you.” If the Fliegen all kneel back in unison, then it is time for take-off!
Take-offs…what a sight to see! Nik-klaas gives the go ahead in Flie and the Fliegen all start to gallop. Such a clip, of course, fills Nik-klaas with so much glee that his chuckles boom out into the cold air. The chuckles, in turn, make the Fliegen so excited that they rush forth with nearly the speed of a jet and up and off they go!
So how does Santa make it everywhere in the world in one single night? Have you ever thought about that? Well, the secret is this: Fliegen don’t just fly really fast. They fly faster than time! They pull that old red sleigh with such velocity that they actually can pull ahead of time. As you well know just by watching the second-hand of a clock, time can only go so fast. Fliegen, when working together, can move much faster.
Now you know.
Fliegen are indeed still living, breathing creatures. And with all living, breathing creatures, Fliegen have…functions. To put it delicately, every Christmas Eve, there is one rooftop somewhere in the world that ends up with a little poo on it. But this isn’t regular poo, this is Fliegen poo. And as with everything else about the Fliegen, their droppings are magical, too. Nobody wants poo on their house rooftops, and the Fliegen respect this. That is why Fliegen poo turns into gold. The gold will stay on the rooftop until the end of the year. If the people who live in the house discover it before the New Year, then they get invited to Nik-klaas’ house to live and help and enjoy Christmastime for a whole year. It may seem like a long time to be away from the life that you know, but OH THE MEMORIES.

So the next time you sing about Christmas and Santa and Rudolph and Frosty…the next time you think about Jack Frost - who always so rudely nips at your nose…think about those kind, noble beasts that really represent the gentleness and generosity that Christmas should be about.

FLIEGEN: THE FLYING REINDEER.