CRUISIN'

So as we cruise away from Juneau, the capital city of Alaska, known to have one of the ugliest capital buildings of all the fifty states, I keep thinking back to a T-shirt I saw this old fart wear on the day we departed Seattle. It said, “Shut Up and Fish.” I have to admit, I thought it was a very stupid fucking T-shirt. I mean, really. What a smartass of a T-shirt. But I keep thinking maybe there is a deeper meaning than, “Hey, shut the fuck up and put your hook in the water.” Maybe it’s kind of like a “Carpe Diem” type thing. Sht up and catch a Carpe Diem. (High Hat.)

So are we seizing the moment with this cruise? Are we making the most of our precious vacation time and money? Those were my fears when we booked this thing. I was afraid I would look back upon it and just think it was a monumental waste of time and money. I feared it would do nothing but tease me for more access to the sights it was taking me to.

The first two nights were spent sailing hard and fast up to Alaska. So we had no choice but to “boat” it up. The kids, at first reluctant to enlist in the kiddie programmed stuff- CLUB CARNIVAL- were instant converts. In fact, I think they’ve spent more time at club carnival that with us! If not more, than damn close. Tiffany and I just relaxed. I would have blogged earlier but internet time is about as expensive as gold on this cruise. Not to mention, I am just constantly sleepy. I don’t know why it never occurred to me before that this ship is a floating resort of sorts. Some of the amenities are rather nice. For example, our amazing view out of our balcony. It is literally on the water. And the sunsets and ocean air have been awesome and restorative. Other amenities have been just jammed packed with Wisconsin Cheese, directly aimed at, I believe, old people who have pretty much given up trying for anything more in life.

“Elegant Evening” happened without us. But we watched the parade of people in their glittery, sequinsy best lining up for the main dining hall to dine with the captain. Tiffany and I hit the buffet. Tiffany thinks the food has always been good, by the way. In my mind the food has been gradually improving as we’ve been going along. Maybe I’m just being brainwashed. But now I like the food. Nom.

After elegant evening everyone is encourage to take these studio-type photos, posing in front of backdrops of the cheesiest nature...waterfalls, snowy peaks, library books. Couples were encouraged to hold each other in poses I haven’t seen since the Sears portrait department circa 1978. You could pose with stuffed baby seals or bear cubs. They even offered old timey photos where you could dress up as gangsters with tommy guns. I tried to persuade Tiffany to pose with me blindfolded on my knees begging for my life while she angrily held a tommy gun to my head, but she didn’t want to. Now THAT would have been a photo keepsake.

Finally we reached Tracy Arm, a Fjord that ended with a glacier. All along we glided past small icebergs. Now, THAT is definitely something everyone should see. ESPECIALLY FROM YOUR OWN BALCONY! I never thought I could ever claim to have watched icebergs in only my underwear. And now I can! I admit, doing things in my underwear seems to be very important to me. But I digress. The ice, due to eons of intense pressure, takes on this pure, crystalline blue color. It was awesome. Even my underwear thought so.

The next day we hit our first port, SKAGWAY. From Skagway, I climbed into a jeep and via CB, we caravaned our way out of Alaska, into the Yukon Territory of Canada...and went OFF ROADING. (When Charlie first learned that I was going to be driving, she exclaimed with concern, “Wait, YOU’RE GOING TO BE DRIVING OFF ROAD?!” Well, we survived, and Charlie and Chase had quite a good time munching on Reindeer Jerky (beef jerky made from Reindeer- that’s right, fuck you, Rudolph!) and salmon pate at our half way point on the mountain.

The downtown area of Skagway reminded me of Tijuana. They didn’t have donkey shows, but it was an eight block stretch of cheap tourist spots selling everything that wasn’t nailed down. One thing I realized is that every cruise port has about three billion jewelry stores specifically targeted towards what I imagine to be cruise rubes who have been fluffed and primed all cruise long into thinking that jewelry made from Tanzanite, Blogmonite, Orangomite, Whateverite is actually the smart investment of the future. Our cruise has a “shopping specialist” with her own TV channel, and she prattles on and on and on about what looks to be the cheapest jewelry I’ve ever seen. In addition, the cruise holds mini seminars about buying jewelry and “the secrets to collecting art.” By the way, the ship has it’s own art gallery on board and most works of art on display throughout the ship are indeed for sale. I learned from our off road guide that every cruise line has it’s OWN jewelry store at every port as well. The cruise fattens up the cows and gets them ready for slaughter. This is an aspect of cruise life I didn’t know existed.

That being said, there are many coupons for free stuff that we have enjoyed. So maybe if the cruise was just a few days longer I’d find myself wild eyed and elbowing someone’s walker out of the way to pick up the hottest Tanzanite whale tail charm bracelet in Juneau!

Which brings me to Juneau. I like Juneau. They have the “downtown” area directed at tourists... but I found the best crab shack in all of Alaska and the lower 48- Tracy’s King Crab Shack. I had Dungeness (King Crab is for those with few tastebuds, in my opinion.) OH YUM I LOVE TRACY’S KING CRAB SHACK! Oh wait... I’m jumping the gun. We went river rafting.

CLASS 3, YO! With the kids. We SHOT the Mendenhall. Before the river though, we were able to raft right up to an iceberg that had broken off from the immense glacier about a mile away and boy was it amazing. Who would want cheap jewelry when they have set their eyes on such naturally created beauty? Charlie reminded me of a turtle keeping its head in its shell the whole time her face was buried in her lifejacket, with only her button nose and glasses sticking out.

After Juneau, as soon as we were back on the boat the kids were off for more fun at Camp Carnival, and Tiffany and I had a very bizarre dinner. As we were mid bite in the dining room, all of a sudden a hip hop song came on and all the waiters and staff started dancing- some with each other and some pulling diners out of their chairs to dance. But the diners...looked as if they were waiting for it! Apparently this has happened every night, and we just happened to miss it. So Tiffany and I just sat their, forks frozen in the air, and watched the wait staff bumping and grinding with the diners to a song normally reserved for strip clubs.

The next morning we invaded Ketchikan- I’m probably off on the spelling. We hit the Saxman Indian village, watched an Indian dance and Chase happily got her fill of totem poles. We were supposed to watch a loggers show, but at the last minute we unanimously decided to sell off our tix and spend the rest of our time shopping. And that’s where I think the name came from, you are there for approximately six hours and everyone is dashing around catching as much loot as they can before they have to get back on the boat.

Right now as I type this I’m outside on my balcony with the green sea rushing past me. I’m in heaven. Tonight we get to Victoria, but I’m not going to blog about Victoria. I actually feel sad that our vacation is coming to an end. Both Tiffany and I have been struggling for the past day to keep our minds away from Los Angeles, and it’s been hard. I want this ocean view forever. I want more fun time with my girls. I don’t want our vacation to be over. So, I guess it all has been worth it, because I miss it already. I guess we have made the most of our time. We did shut up and caught as many carpe diems as we could. And I can’t wait to do it again.